Story and Symptoms of MLC/WAW Part 2

[MarcPa]

I have to wince a bit when I read comments that include "because women" or "because men" statements. I know that it maybe comforting to think that the situations we find ourselves in are caused by socio-cultural shifts in our world, but thinking this way will always create tendency to take us off track as to why we find ourselves in our situations. It's easy to start believing in a media conspiracy, or some kind of absurdly large and abstract force that plays a large part in creating our suffering because it's easier to believe that a force beyond of our control is running the show. It's a form of psychological denial which temporarily alleviates the helplessness we feel when confronted with seemingly insurmountable obstacles to our happiness. However, it can become an intellectual trap that closes doors on self-reflection and brutally critical reasoning that needs to happen in order for us to become better people. It's true, there is always going to be problems with social movements because they are always messy affairs. But one has to be really careful that it is not a focus of the journey into our internal selves where the real work has to happen. The thing to always keep in my is that whatever we focus on expands to displace everything else.

I know. It's tempting to blame 'women's lib' or 'toxic masculinity' for what is happening to us. However, there is always a flip side to every coin. Often I hear the LBS talking about how their partner wants to crash out of the relationship while screaming "I need to find myself!", and often I see it dismissed as some kind of 'brain fart' and they should 'just snap out of it'... but I have been thinking about this for a very long time and how it pertains to my own situation (I have dismissed my W's statements to the effect at the beginning of my own sit), so hear me out.

Our need for an 'actualized identity' is very real. Ask any psychologist and they will tell you that it is the most important part of us because it's literally who we are and where out self-esteem and motivations come from. For a person to lose their identity is a real crisis because the loss of 'self' is a catastrophic breakdown in our self-support system. I know that it has played a huge rule in my own situation as I have come to understand the loss of my own identity to co-dependence with my W.

When I first met my W I was an extremely fit, happy, out-going male who traveled all over the world, had a lot of friends and suitors. I loved who I was. I didn't think I was better than anyone, but I valued myself to a healthy degree. As I fell into my relationship and started a family I had to focus more on my career and became successful at it. It meant long hours at the studio, and less time dedicated to nurturing my own support systems (including my marriage). And because of the way I was brought up this is how I thought things are supposed to go - I substituted my own identity for something that was pushed on my be the environment I grew up in. Then I became unhappy and unfulfilled, and the rest is obvious history.

The point I'm trying to get at is that I could easily blame societal expectations on what happened to me because that's what was modeled to me as 'success'. However that wouldn't solve my problem. I had to look deep into myself and realize what was at the root of my situation wasn't what was expected of me as a 'family man'. The real key was regain the person that I was at the beginning of my relationship with my W, and then become even better. This was/is deeply personal journey and introspective work, and still ongoing.

That is also the point of DBing; to find yourself, to become a fully actualized happy human being (look up Maslow's Hierarchy) so that you may have a chance at winning back the relationship with that person who thought you were special enough to have a life with you. That's where the work is. Blaming (wrongly or rightfully) a social concept is only going to keep us spinning in an endless intellectual loops to nowhere. They don't matter. This is why I wince at the first-mentioned statements; it's because they are just distractions away form the truth. It allows us to assign the blame to the next person and limit the efficacy of the work we ought to be doing.

The last point I'm going to make is that I no longer dismiss it when I hear my W, or anyone else, say "I need to find myself" or "I don't know who I am anymore". I realize now that this is a cry for help from a person who is hurting a tremendous amount, who wants to find the happiness they once had, or maybe never had. This deserves my respect because it is an incredibly brave act. To risk everything at the chance to break away from unhappiness IS worthy of respect, and is NOT as selfish an act as it seems. I know, it doesn't do anything to minimize our own hurt and resentment. Not at first. But, ultimately, it does obligate me meet this person with compassion give as much support as I can to them because everybody has a right to be happy, and because we don't own people we care about. They don't owe us to stay with us at the expense of their own identity and happiness. That is the underlying truth that, I think, is that the root of DBing and letting go, and what blaming 'women's lib' obscures. And so I wince.