DnJ - as usual, you have given me much to think about. i had a wonderful several hours with the kid, and am now in the hotel room alone. I was glad the kids didn't mention their dad too much, but S21 wanted to know if H would come with us for the Mother's Day celebration they are planning. i told them they would have to ask their dad. Anyway, back to DnJs challenging questions to work out. I will respond to one now, as I have to spend some time thinking about a lot of things.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Originally Posted by Grace21
As for taking H off the phone. All our bills are still joint – auto insurance, phone, electric, gas, etc. I plan to leave it alone for now. He hasn’t even gotten an apartment yet. Just staying in airbnbs. He can't even commit to signing a lease anywhere. Maybe that will change May 1. Who knows? For now I plan to let him drive how detached he wants to be from our previous life. I might change my mind next month or never, but I’m not there yet.
Why?
I want to be clear, I am not saying you need to do anything. I totally see and understand you are not there yet.
Just something for you to challenge yourself on, to grow on. How does this serve you? He moved out 6 months ago.
Fear.
I care and am here. Think about it. I’ll be available when you are ready to discuss.
The house visits and the feeling of violation is a similar thing. That doesn’t serve you. It matters, and you are starting to question things. This is not about his legal rights of entry to the home. I am looking at you, your acceptance, your feelings, your detchament - not his.
- - - -
Why don't I just tell him I want to separate everything? Fear? Made me think what I could be afraid of. Well, I am comfortable financially the way things are. In fact, they are about the same as if H was still in the house, or for me even better maybe. We actually have more in the bank because we aren't going out every weekend spending on too much food and drink. He doesn't say one word about the money. His checks go into our joint account (he makes 3x more than me). I manage it all. I kind of like it. If i said "I think it's time we separate everything to reflect our true separation" or something like that, then what will happen to my financial comfort? There. That's my fear. I'm comfortable, and I don't want to take the chance to make me uncertain or uncomfortable financially. I want to be in that state only if forced to be.
As for visits to the house, I think that will need to be addressed. Soon. I don't like it. If he doesn't want to live there, he needs to visit, not come and go as he pleases. I need to think about it a bit more, though.
So, there you have it. I think that about sums it up.
I think that's enough contemplating for tonight. I think I'll watch something on Netflix and have a beer.
