I am glad you have a fair and even schedule. It is good for you, her, and the kids. It also sets the history of what has been going on, in case more legal arrangements need to be made in the future.
Oh my goodness. Taxes. MLCers are like teens. My XW just had a shoebox of receipts, and forms. No organization, no structure, she just took it to an accountant. By the way, her job(s) is mowing grass, shovelling snow, and cleaning houses for various people around town. I doubt she earns enough to break the threshold to even have to pay income tax.
Before this, she ran a daycare. After BD, she got hired at the hospital. Her reputation of 24 years being a stand up Mom and daycare provider most definitely preceded her. Regular hours, good wage, and benefits. She quit. Told them she wanted to be able to take a day off when she felt like it. (She may have been fired, not exactly sure which party terminated employment).
As for nudging W along to move out. This is where this forum can shine. Do exactly what you just did. Bring it here first and let others give input before you make a decision or act on it.
As a general rule, do not do anything to try to manipulate her or her journey. There are many good reasons for this. Manipulating keeps you attached and stuck. Another is whatever outcome happens - if it is bad, do you want that on your hands? Leaving her to her path is best - for her and YOU.
Your idea of nudging her to move out and split finances is stated as you feel it is contributing to her la la land. For a rational person - yes. For her - no. This is counterintuitive.
She is in la la land because she is driven to be there. She is after her fantasy. She doesn’t know what it is, but she keeps running towards it. She will expend incredible energies to maintain her fantasy. DO NOT get in her way. That is a sure fire way to get a heap of justifications thrown at you.
She will use that against you. Blame you. Bait you into further conflict, furthering her justification of her new life away from you. Remember, she needs space and time to see her pain comes from within, not from you. Moved out or not, she will be in la la land.
Focus on you.
Label, do you want to move out? Do you want to find a new place for yourself?
I am not looking for a definitive answer. Look within yourself and ask what do I want? Then wait for a bit, and keep moving forward. I guarantee your answers will look differently later on when you are further down your path.
I can see and understand your frustration. Just breathe, you have time.
Originally Posted by Label
This will sound like I'm in denial, but it just doesn't feel over. I want her back, but then I think maybe I'm chasing a mirage that isn't there.
Label, I will give open, honest, compassionate advice every time as best as I can.
You have some work to do, and I am willing to help.
I want her back. Get to where you want her to want you. Loosen your grip on her. Any pressure and she will bolt.
Doesn’t feel over. So very true. Feelings are real and fleeting. They are irrational, that is not insane, or bad, it just means not based on logic and reason. They are feelings. And as such, hard to see with. Your relationship is over, your feeling are just not aware of it. The relationship may someday be rebuilt, if you give space and time, and do the inner work. No matter what happens, you will alright and be a better person for all the work.
Denial is a tough thing for one to see. Being truly in denial is when your mind is hiding the truth from you to protect your emotional state from damage. It is healthy and required. Being accurate in thought, feelings, and the describing of such will illuminate and help one move from denial and through the stages of grief.
Please consider being patient with your desire to have her move out. Give it more time. Let her come to that conclusion on her own, if that is her path.
How did you plan on nudging her?
Are you ok with the current nesting arrangement?
Anything you do, ensure you are doing it for you. What do you think and feel about you moving back into the house full time?
Let’s not worry about where she is at, or if she is stuck. Let’s ensure you get to where you should to be at, and you don’t get stuck. She can figure out her own path.
Label, you are the most important person in all this. Focus on you and heal.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
