I’m realizing that the hardest part of detaching for me, maybe the hardest part of all of this, is the stress of the inevitable lows after feeling good and strong. I realize the irony because if I were fully detached, none of it would really get me down. I woke up feeling sensitive and cranky, and I could feel myself being a bit sensitive and cranky with my H this morning when he got here to be with our daughter. My sensitivity was putting me into old patterns of over analyzing and misinterpreting his expressions and responses to me. We had a semi tense exchange, but we both stayed calm. I could feel myself getting triggered and getting upset at thinking he was having negative thoughts about me and our exchange. I started imagining him telling himself “see nothings changed, here we are arguing” and my anxiety started building wondering if he will want to talk about divorce stuff again this evening. I took a moment in my bedroom to breathe, then came out and did my best quick recovery turn around. He did come to me and squeezed my shoulder apologized if he’d given me the impression he was upset with me and assured me I hadn’t done anything wrong. I had to keep myself from crying and told him he hadn’t done anything either and that I was just in a cranky mood. It got repaired quickly and as well as could be expected, I just feel knocked off my horse and kind of shaken and anxiety ridden. My therapist often talks to me about keeping myself in a box in which i feel that if I don’t “keep quiet and don’t have any feelings and be good” that maybe he’ll love me again. I know that’s not loving to myself, it’s not sustainable or realistic or even desirable. I need to be me and I need to be human. I just haven’t figured out how to detach enough yet to feel that it’s ok to do so and let the cards fall as they may. I’m trying but I’m not there yet. I want to figure out how to get my power back before I see him again this evening, so that I can feel strong and confident. UGH.
