These MLCer behave, think, and have the emotional response of a teenager.
Originally Posted by Grace21
”Try” definitely sets one up for failure. I will change…….
Excellent! I “will” change
Originally Posted by Grace21
His trips to the house as if a ghost, pulling away from his kids and certainly me, says volumes. He doesn’t want us in his life now. His reasons are his, and my genuine concern for him will not change this.
Beautifully seen, written, and understood. This is genuine, sincere, and from the heart and mind. Well done.
Originally Posted by Grace21
As for blocking OW. I did that long ago, but I can/could still see what she puts up for public view. If there is a way to never see even public things, I don’t know how to do it.
Did you add OW to the list of blocked users? Or just unfriend her?
A blocked user is completely hidden from you, and you from them. You will not interact. You will not see any posting or information about them, public or otherwise. If you search for them, it will be like they don’t even have an account. Even pictures that were tagged with them (not likely for OW, just explaining) will disappear from your view.
It is the same for them from their side of the screen regarding you. The blocked user will not see anything about you, like as if you deleted your account.
It isn’t completely perfect. I was investigating the blocking feature while writing this, trying to look up stuff from XW. It does work as above. It even blocks “likes” on posts from years ago. However, her comments on other people’s “likes” did still show up. When clicking on her icon, it brings up just her profile picture and blank page, no information, and no where to go from there. So 99% blocked, pretty good.
To block:
It is a bit different depending on the device. This is for an iPad Pro.
<Menu> <Settings & Privacy> <Settings> Under “Privacy” <Blocking> You are then at the block user interface. Here you can search and then block / unblock a specific person. Also it lists all currently blocked users.
Originally Posted by Grace21
I won’t go to her page at all. (did I say that right, DnJ???)
It has positive and affirming intent. It recognizes and acknowledges the “what” you are going to do. So yes, well “said”. I also imagine you stating it in a defiant manner, like a challenge to yourself, and too me actually. Like a pledge.
If this was a more difficult habit or addiction you were working on breaking or changing, it reinforces the very idea you’re attempting to change. Let me use the above as an example.
Yes, the statement is good. Action, direction, clear.
Imagine you are fighting a very difficult habit. We all have with this MLC and our emotional responses. So you are fighting, really hard, to follow your pledge.
It is mid afternoon and you are feeling low and want to peak at OW’s page. But no! I made a pledge.
I won’t go to her page at all! I won’t go to her page at all! I won’t go to her page at all! I won’t go to her page at all!
For a mind wanting to snoop or peak, reading that, hearing that from inside your own head, “Her Page” is really on your mind now. The “won’t” gets lost in the noise.
It becomes a matter of shear will power at that point. And we are ill equipped at first, remember we are working on breaking the habit - will power hasn’t work up to now, and it is unlikely to work anytime really soon. We have to use our strengths and come at this from a different angle.
I know you have will power, and you are a strong person. It is why you are here, strong enough to do the hard work. So, no question of your strength. However, this is battling your mind. The subconscious part, the habits, the behaviours. We do not have direct control over those, only influence.
We are fixer - so fix this. Control what you can control. Focus on something else, and conciously do it. Let your subconscious accept this new behaviour and let go of the “need” to snoop. You cannot force it consciously head on.
This is part of that - things will be revealed when you stop looking for them.
I really didn’t know what I was going to write, just started - so I apologize for the length. I am sure you realize I am speaking to much more than just snooping. So back to it.
Our needs and desires to snoop are fueled from fear. Fear is a debilitating and paralyzing force. It is based on self backfeeding emotional responses from possible future events. It is the uncontrolled irrational response to something that might happen. If that something happens, there is nothing to be afraid of anymore. We then just deal with the aftermath.
We have to detach our fears - uncouple the irrational emotional response from the possible event or trigger. Why do you want to snoop? Find the fear. It is based on something. It is real, acknowledge it.
This will break the fear into two parts. The irrational emotional side and the event. You control your thoughts. Get in that intellectual car and reason out why you snoop. See the future event that causes the fear, with out emotion. This rationalizes it. This breaks the emotional irrational connection to that event. This lets go of the fear. And this takes practice and time to accomplish.
Back to your positive actions. Elevate them a step away from what it is you are working at changing. Make your action something that has less or no emotional response to your habit or behaviour. Remember this is a battle with your mind. When you feel the pull towards snooping:
I won’t go to her page at all. (It’s ok. But easy to slip on to her page.)
I won’t unblock her. (Good. No reference to the page, but still has her.)
I won’t open Facebook. (Better. No reference to page, no mention of her or H, and no chance to even see them. Still has a negative action - hard to get rid of that. And to be honest it is needed in a lot of situations.)
I will bake some bread. ( )
Hmmm. I havn’t cleaned a closet in a while. I think I’ll get another one done.
Obviously, those have positive actions and no reference whatsoever to “what” you are battling. Completely letting your subconscious mind work on letting go, with no reinforcing feedback from you or your actions.
I am going out for a bloody steak, and think about my wise and thoughtful good friend DnJ! (The absolute best!) lol.
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Originally Posted by Grace21
As for taking H off the phone. All our bills are still joint – auto insurance, phone, electric, gas, etc. I plan to leave it alone for now. He hasn’t even gotten an apartment yet. Just staying in airbnbs. He can't even commit to signing a lease anywhere. Maybe that will change May 1. Who knows? For now I plan to let him drive how detached he wants to be from our previous life. I might change my mind next month or never, but I’m not there yet.
Why?
I want to be clear, I am not saying you need to do anything. I totally see and understand you are not there yet.
Just something for you to challenge yourself on, to grow on. How does this serve you? He moved out 6 months ago.
Fear.
I care and am here. Think about it. I’ll be available when you are ready to discuss.
The house visits and the feeling of violation is a similar thing. That doesn’t serve you. It matters, and you are starting to question things. This is not about his legal rights of entry to the home. I am looking at you, your acceptance, your feelings, your detchament - not his.
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I am glad S21 told you about wanting to see a therapist for anxiety/panic attacks. Really good he feels safe and will ask for help from you.
It’s wonderful that D19 is excited to see you. Of course she misses you.
You are a blessed woman Grace. Have a happy Easter.
Really would like to have a steak dinner.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
