thanks for your thoughts FS. I don't think I'm ready to reply to them yet, I need to think about things.
Yesterday was stressful, I had an awful lot to do before going away so I worked very hard at gardening and getting the house in order, as it was still topsy turvy after the holiday. I said to dh that since I had a lot to get done we might as well travel down together. Now I wish we hadn't, he got stuck in horrendous traffic and was very stressed and kept ranting about how much time he had wasted in his car (he could have caught the train in 2 hours...). He drove like a maniac for us to make our train connection and he was pretty unpleasant company. I mostly ignored his behaviour, he wasn't actively attacking me, just ranting. I validated and he snapped back, difficult to validate someone who apparently doesn't want validating. The kids were in the back probably feeling very uncomfortable. This is why we hate travelling with him...
In the evening he made us both a very nice meal and I said I didn't want wine. He said fine, then offered me one later with dinner and I said no. I had a pint at the pub and a small bottle of lower alcohol beer with dinner (no hot flushes in bed thank goodness). He drank quite a lot and was very critical of the way I was cutting up the chicken. I agreed that I'm not good at carving. He then said something very cutting about me 'butchering' the chicken, not sure if he was trying to get a reaction or just be nasty for the sake of it, but it was cruel the way he said it. I thought about not being defensive, I thought about being assertive, then I thought there was no point in either if he was drunk. So I just thanked him for a delicious dinner and went and tidied up the dinner things. He was talking about some weird stuff about old people who hold inheritance over their families (my mum, my grandma, his mum), then a few minutes later he was saying he wanted to look into leaving the kids some property to avoid death duties in case he died early. I said it was unlikely he would die early, his dad died in his early 60s but he smoked 2 packets of cigarettes a day for 50 years. He said something about alcohol not being as bad as cigarettes. Definite denial plus MLC thoughts of mortality stuff going on there! Maybe that was why he was being unpleasant, I don't know.
Last night and this morning he was shouting down the stairs about people making too much noise in the kitchen (tidying up the kitchen is noisy, and he was watching telly very loudly). I hung out with ds2 a bit and then went to bed early to read my book. He joined me fairly early and said goodnight and then snored loudly. This morning I decided to go for a run and he offered to walk down to the bottom of the hill with me but I said no thanks. Then I went for my run and pondered why I would tolerate the behaviour he demonstrated yesterday and whether I do actually want to be married to someone who chooses wine over family. I'm unsure. He seems to have lapsed into old habits in the last few weeks, and I don't like this version of him. He went off for a long cycle while I was out and texted me a photo of the view and said it was hard work and asked me how my run was.
Positives: I like him cooking for me, I feel nurtured and looked after when he does that. I was quite unemotional, even in bed I didn't try cuddling up or anything, just kept to my side of the bed. I feel fairly calm and in control, and not drinking helps this.
Negatives: all the rest. If he keeps behaving like this I will need to think about how to put in a boundary against his critical behaviour. I will also be happy to see the back of him when he leaves tomorrow.
