Welcome to the forum. I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. Thank you for sharing your story.
You will receive much hard earned wisdom from the kind and compassionate people here. It will look quite counterintuitive, and go against your instincts of what you feel you should do. This is a safe place. Feel free to ask questions, vent, and update. Post often, it really does help.
Your W’s confusion is very evident, the outward display of a hidden internal battle she cannot understand nor control. She is at the will of her emotions, trying anything and everything she feels like to rid the confusion and pain.
From your title it would appear you feel she is within the grasp of a mid-life crisis. Your retelling of the situation does indeed look like MLC. She was troubled from a trigger 18-24 months pre BD. The birth of D4 could be a trigger or one of a few triggers. However the birth of S6 two years earlier did not set her off, or not that you noticed. Her lead up could have been for longer than you realize or the real trigger, like the actual cause, is unknown - even to her.
A MLCer suffers a damage from childhood. A trauma from a person of authority from thier youth, usually childhood, when they were young and had less developed coping skills. This stunts thier emotional growth. Later in life, around midlife when mortality, and adult pressures build, this trauma(s) surfaces like it most likely has before during other periods of life transitions. However, this time she cannot bury it again. It refuses to release its grip.
Of course she has no idea what is happening, and slowly her emotions take over, consuming her. An unrelenting pain and emotional turmoil stirs within her, and she will blame someone. She projects this upon you, and she incorrectly assigns you as the cause of all this. You have seen and felt her rage. You have seen her displays of a completely different person. It is like an alien has taken over her body.
This is a person in crisis. They are beyound your ability to help. You did not break her, therefore you cannot fix her. She needs time and space to sort out her mind and emotions. This takes a while, a long while. Realize she will take what she needs, do whatever she needs to do. She is driven to do it.
Give her space and time. Focus on you and your children.
Label, your frustration from being unable to help her, the unwillingness on her part to talk about this - all expected and quite normal in this situation.
A few questions if you don’t mind.
What is the current living situation? It sounds like you are living seperate? What is the custody arrangement?
Have you talked to a lawyer? If not, do it now. This is for information only, you need not use anything yet.
I understand you are frustrated that you two haven’t talked about what brought you to this point. She isn’t going to have that conversation. She can’t because she does not understand what she is feeling, she can’t handle what she is feeling, and she can’t handle anyone else’s feelings. Do not have any relationship talk. Really, do not have any.
She has made a statement to leave you. Give her time and space. It helps you heal, and is your best chance at a future with her.
She needs to sort out herself. She will probably pull away more. Look after your children, a lot of MLCers become terrible parents. Focus on you and your children. With enough time, she might realize that she is still angry but you are not in the picture so you cannot be the cause. Then she just might look inward to the real cause and start to do the inner work she needs to do. That in a nutshell is your best chance.
During this time you work on you, something I see you have already started. This will not a waste no matter what the outcome is.
This is a marathon not a sprint. You have the gift of time, use it well.
Keep the focus on you and your children.
You will be fine.
I look forward to speaking with you again.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
