I am 40YO and my wife is 39YO. We met after High School. Married now for 10 years. Kids: B (6), G (4), Dog (10). We both have great jobs/careers, beautiful family, dog, terrific kids, lots of friends, both of our parents get along so well we celebrate all holidays together (both sides). Our friends all look up to us as the model couple "you're the only couple we know where we both like both spouses." Our marriage wasn't perfect, and I was not ideal - kids, work, home...stresses of life and we took each other for granted and spent all of our emotional energy on our young children. When our second was born, my wife was diagnosed with postpartum depression. That was two years of absolute hell. I went into "service" mode and worked to keep the family and household afloat.
Bomb dropped May 2018. I went on a trip for a weekend, everything was seemingly fine when I left. I came home after four days to the coldest shoulder I've ever experienced in my life. She was a different person. She said she needed space while we figure this out. I asked if there was anyone else, and if she wanted to go to therapy - she said no one else, and yes to therapy. Everyone was shocked, including her friends and family, she had not shared anything with them up to this point.
-Jun - couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, total despair. I dropped 25lbs and tried to focus on work and kids and just getting through. By July I had my feet under me again. Nested the kids at home while we lived elsewhere (friends, family). That continues to be our arrangement 10 months later. -Jul/Aug - instead of therapy, we went to 'discernment counseling' (google it). We never talked about marital issues. After four sessions she called an end to our marriage. I was shocked. Waiting for divorce papers. -Sep-Dec - massive anger and rage at anything I do. I took it like a punching bag, and didn't fire anything back. -Nov/Jan - asks to go to therapy, I say OK. We go, and instead of talking about marital issues, we talk about issues created by the separation (schedule, how to handle holidays, etc). After the holidays she calls an end to the marriage, again. We go skiing together as a family the next day. -Feb - asks if we can go to mediation because lawyers "don't seem like us." Then asks me to find mediators. I send her a couple, no response. -Mar - nothing -Apr - TBD
Friends and family think I'm 1) a saint for hanging in there 2) insane for hanging in there - "your spouse needs to [censored] or get off the pot." I just felt that the last thing she needed from me at this time was a heavy hand.
- She started running daily - was never a runner. - She has huge mother issues from childhood, so much so she's been in therapy for 20 years to deal with it. She basically hated her mother (and sister), and now the three are best friends - She has been seeing multiple therapists weekly for 10 months - the old therapist, a new therapist, psychic, hypnotherapist, etc - Says she lost herself and doesn't know who she is anymore - Says she still loves me (ie., ILWYBNILWY) - Says we were never a good match - Says she doesn't want a divorce but has to do this to find her happiness - Says she wishes her parents got divorce when she was younger. Thinks my parents should divorce, everyone should divorce - Says she is barely holding on and doesn't have enough strength for a relationship - Says she wants a fresh start, wants to be on her own - Says she needs to find her purpose - Says she wants to write a book (never a writer) - Says she doesn't want house or dog - Says she wants to move to a new city - Even the smallest thing overwhelms her - Works a ton 50-70 hours a week. Likes her job but wants to get a new one
I love with my wife, I made a commitment to her and we are very compatible. I feel badly that she is in so much pain and in such a confusing time of her life, and it's frustrating that I can't help her now because I am the enemy. I do struggle with us still not having a conversation 10 months later about what brought us here. During this time I plowed myself into self discovery (daily reading, therapy, this forum (thank you), and enjoying life again. I feel like I knocked ten years of rust off, and started growing again. This will sound like I'm in denial, but it just doesn't feel over. I want her back, but then I think maybe I'm chasing a mirage that isn't there.
I'm not sure I have any questions for you all, but I would like your perspective and wanted to share my story.
