Embracing my Inner Me in progress

[DnJ]

Good Morning Grace

You see your situation with good clarity. Yes, H is trying to escape his demons and just has nothing left to give you. He can’t handle his own feelings and thoughts, so he pushes everyone and everything away. He will most likely fall off the radar for some time.

My XW was sort of involved for about 2 months after BD. She attempted the obligatory visiting of her children, like a Mom should want to do. She just couldn’t take it or fake it - it was obvious. After that first Christmas she faded away and has remained pretty silent; coming up on 19 months. She has never told the kids or me about her surprise divorce wrangling, and no one has brought it up to her. She is reaching out to the kids a bit more lately, nothing of substance just some little contact. All the kids are kind and compassionate, and do respond to the small talk, even though it does repeat - she asks the same questions over and over again, that Swiss cheese mind.

Snooping:

Not 100%, but improved. Haven’t looked at phone records or did any internet searches in almost a week. Still look at FB once in a while, but I stopped OWs FB page.

Excellent!

Really good that you stopped (blocked right?) OW’s FB page. Using technology to your advantage is really helpful, in a moment of strengthful resolve just block her. You can do that to H as well, and you will when your ready.

The phone records are interesting and do have a pull. Along with GPS on our phones and all manner of other snoop-abilities. Why is his cell phone on your bill? Just a thought to consider. He can look after his own cell phone and bill, and then you cannot see it. I was lucky, didn’t seem like it at the time, XW wanted her cell phone off my bill so I could not know what she was up to. Just like a angry rebellious teenager, and she still doesn’t want anyone knowing what she is doing.

I can’t imagine what could be revealed when I am not looking for it. But, I will wait until God decides to do it. His timing, not mine.

Oh, that is such a profound and truthful statement - it will have much different meaning to you later.

I promise you, a much better, gentle, peaceful, and forgiving future is available. You just can’t force it. It will be revealed when you are calm, and not really looking for it.

Let’s discuss not snooping a bit more, to somewhat illustrate this. By the way, this applies to all aspects of our lives, not just the not snooping; so bare with me I try not to ramble.

You are working on breaking a habit, to change a behaviour. Certainly a difficult task, especially with such emotional ties and reinforcing feedbacks.

A while ago I mentioned how I started living a gentle peaceful life by just gently closing the cupboard door. I hope you remember.

Tackling habits and behaviour head on has its place and successes. However, how one tackles them is the key. So please do the following for me:

Don’t think of elephants, with their large gray ears, and long trunks. Don’t see their skinny tails swishing flies away. And definitely don’t think of a blue elephant with green spots, and the size of a mouse, running across the floor in front of you.

Of course you thought of all that. Our brains have to realize what it is that we don’t want to think about, so we can know what we are not wanting to know. You can see why a direct - “Don’t do this” - approach is next to impossible to achieve.

I might as well point out something else too.

“Try not to snoop.”

The word “try” sets one up for failure. Our minds are incredible powerful - it creates your reality. No doubt about that. If it is in your mind it real - to you.

And yet our powerful minds, at times, are easily lead by suggestion. The word try will lead you. It preconditions and pre-accepts that you probably will not achieve whatever you are “trying” to do. Your powerful mind will make that a reality. If you “Try to run up the stairs while holding your breath”, you will run out of breath - mostly because you fore-decided that it is not really possible but you would try.

The negative part of suggestive thoughts is also problematic. Try not to, don’t - that kind of thing. Don’t think of elephants. Try not to snoop. Our minds don’t do - “not”, they do - “do”. Our minds create, they actively think and pursue, they do not - do “not”. Even ignoring is an active function.

This is where being accurate in thought and heart really shines. Knowing and expressing in a positive manner.

This is also where language and thought diverge. Your inner dialog is different than conversation with others, than suggestions to others. We need to use “try” and “don’t” so the other person, even ourselves, can see what it is we are attempting to do. However, internally we need to say it in a different manner. “Run up the stairs while holding you breath” has a much better chance of success; it looks and sounds attainable. If you don’t make it with out taking a breath it is because you actually ran out of oxygen and needed to. Big difference.

The positive manner I mentioned. That is more thinking in affirmation, than seeing it in a good light. A lot of this situation, our interacting with the MLCer, is dark, negative, and unwanted - look at it in a positive affirming manner, see the accurate picture. Yes it is painful and accurate. I know you understand this, it is key to detachement and you have that understanding really well. (By the way, indifference brings peace, and you don’t even look their way anymore. You really do focus on you).

“Try not to snoop”.

Ok. First do or do not - there is no try. Really good movie, and really wise words.

Second drop the “not”, the negative approach. Find a positive approach.

Third drop the snoop reference because it just reminds and reinforces your wanting to snoop.

That is all the internal thought stuff. Turn all that into actions. You are breaking a habit (notice I didn’t said trying to break a habit). You are changing your behaviour.

Focus on you and find actions that move you forward. You progress, you let go, you break habits, you heal. All at the same time. The most efficient way is a direct line from where you are to your headings, your goals. Forgiveness.

Do block OW.

Remove H from phone bill.

Try not to search the internet. (Nope)

Do not search the internet. (Better, but no)

Crochet those shawls for the mission trip. (Yes!)

Bake that loaf of bread. And tell DnJ all about it. (I really want to hear how it tastes. It’s texture, colour, smell, and flavour. Hard crunchy crust or soft and thin? Oh my goodness I could really go for some fresh baked bread right now.)

Things will be revealed when you are not really looking for them. You are correct it is hard to imagine the profound changes that await. One is having no desire or need to snoop. Imagine just how wonderful and freeing that will be.

The really big one, which you are making huge gains on, acceptance. It is coming, just have to let it arrive.

We only control ourselves, our thoughts, actions, and responses. Such needed advice when first starting to detach. It is still true, and needed.

You have direct control on only your thoughts, the intellectual car. Emotions, physical wellness, and spiritual being are only influenced by our conscious thoughts, not directly controlled. The more at peace and calm we become the more influence we can exert, and the more success we have in altering our emotional and spiritual state. It looks like control, however it is not, it is just good thinking. It is a wonderful place when you can turn on and off your “feelings” for your spouse or ex spouse. Realizing you don’t control it, gives you a mechanism to alter your state (almost control). Honest, I can do it in well under a minute now.

Grace, I do care about you, and you are doing so very well. You listen to advice, you question, you work towards understanding, and you have great goals. I have much more I am willing to share, and am willing to discuss - even though the posts do tend towards greater length. Ah hell, I write a lot - your worth it.

Fearlessness. How are your fears? What are you fearful of? What have you uncoupled from and accepted? (I’d say overcome but that is not accurate) Is anything holding you back? Don’t fear! Lol. Be fearless! Nothing you say will be wrong. (See what I meant, the use of don’t has a purpose in language, and is different in your mind)

Your journey is for you.

H’s journey is for him.

Love him enough to let him go. Love him enough to forgive.

DnJ