Wife is having an affair and wants to separate

[Adam04]

Vik,

Sorry to hear you are feeling the way you do right now. Be patient and kind to yourself and I hope you research or find ways to let go of the stress we all feel in this most troubling time. I hope someone says something that will click with you to steer you down the path of redemption. I remember that feeling all too well. You want to save the marriage because it's the right thing to do, for the kids, and because we're just a little bit selfish and it's just what we want. Sometimes we have to let go those things we want the most and it hurts. You could be doing all the right things in your mind to hold on to what is most precious to you and they still have the choice and free will to do whatever the hell they want to do with little to no regard for anyone's feelings. That is life. Life is bittersweet. It's also full of surprises and excitement and joy. I hope you will shift some of that focus off your W for the moment. Put it wherever you want except the marriage or your W. I hope you find happiness in other things. There are a million and more reasons to be alive. Your W was 1 of them. Your daughter is 1 of them. What you bring to others in your life is many more. You want your W to feel something? You move on.

Have you come across posts talking about the WAS and their journey they are on or seen the one about being numb in R2Cs quotes thread? There are other posts that have helped to humble me when looking at the break down of the M. It took my focus off my W and put it back on me, trying to work on me and taking accountability for my own actions. Once I stopped focusing on W, I stopped blaming her. I stopped wanting her to know how I felt. I took the lonely road. If you can walk the road alone to happiness you can find it with others. What I did was listen to a bunch of videos which I still do today after 8 months from BD. Steve mentions self differentiation a lot and I came across much of that discussion online. Being happy alone. John Gottman is wonderful to listen to. There are many positive, helpful things you can do now to put you on the right track.

Vik, this is all too fresh and new. I encourage you to keep learning as much as you can as quickly as you can so you can save yourself some time and minimize the damage. The quicker you learn, the quicker you can let go, and you slowly realize it is no longer about them but about you.