Alright - been lurking a while but just now got around to posting. I'm now a little over 2.5 months from the DB in early February.
Background: - Together for 12yrs - Married for almost 10 (would be in July) - S6 going on 7
I came home from work early in February and she stopped me in the kitchen and told me she wanted a divorce. I was in disbelief - she always loved me and went out of her way to do everything to show it. I loved her of course, though after a lot of reading I'm now seeing that I wasn't talking in her love language. I hadn't done the little things like holding hands, giving compliments, dates were few and far in between, etc. She knew I loved her, but combined with the following events/habits I gave her the impression I didn't love her and I have depleted her love bank.
Some major problems that I should have seen (hindsight being 20/20 is right):
- I have always been big into my hobbies - mostly car stuff. Had a Jeep when we were dating, it got built into a dedicated rock crawler on 40s/1 ton axles/stretched wheelbase while we were engaged/married. It was sold shortly after my son was born (I wanted to, I think she thought I resented her for selling it but I truthfully wanted it gone). I then got into autocross in 2012, right before son was born. It started out as "oh it's just one day a month" but turned into more than that...
- We moved from VA to OH with a job transfer in 2010 (1yr after marriage). It was partly motivated to get away from family since honestly my mom and her never really got along well. While there, I was frequently working on my Jeep with friends, etc and she was at home, though would sometimes come along. We were still dating pretty frequently and still very much into each other so I think all of that overshadowed the neglect that I was blind to seeing. She was working and going to school at night/online classes to work on her associates degree.
- We bought a house right before our son was born. It turned into a nightmare in year 2 because of ice dams forming on the roof filling the back wall of the house with water. Insurance wouldn't cover it as a "preexisting condition" because of the lack of ice and water shield... and one corner of the house had a failing foundation(concrete slab), plus complications with our son's birth made for tons of medical bills. We were looking at about 60k in debt total between all that stuff so we filed bankruptcy.
- We moved back to VA to be near family in 2015 and also so that she could finish school while I worked - my income was plenty for us 3 to live on.... BUT...
- ...because of our lease agreement, we had to pay out the remainder of the lease (something like 9mo left), there was no way to break the lease in Ohio. So we were forced to move in with her parents. They had an extra room, and were excited about having us return and seeing their grandson... so we were able to move and finish paying the lease in Ohio....
- ...Well about 2 months into living with them, her dad (technically step-dad, but he's been around since she was little) divorced her mom. They'd been married for like 20 years, he was retiring from the Navy. Her mom had problems with compulsive shopping, racking up tens of thousands in credit card debt, buying things while he was at sea (one time she bought a house without his knowledge...). He was over it. She was always depressed, sleeping much of the day, wasn't pleasant to be around, etc. They also had a son together who was a high school drop out, lived with them, played video games all day, didn't take care of himself at all, etc. He still doesn't have a job to this day (age 23 IIRC?). This divorce was really hard on her. The way her dad acted was very distant and out of character, he flipped out on everyone at one point, etc. My W actually stopped talking to him for a good while.
- Note that I am commuting about 100mi round trip daily to get to work and back this entire time. The store closer to us had weird shift hours where I would hardly ever get to see them. We wanted to be closer to family to be able to help watch our son if need be. Plus it's a much nicer area near the beach.
- We got out of there and into our own place in 2016. I was still continuing to do autocross, but started volunteering with the club to do timing and scoring. It started out as thinking I was being helpful by saving money not having to pay for entry by doing one of the "chief" positions. It took a little bit of time away at home when auditing results. There was a weekend where I went to NJ to run an event there with a friend who helped me with suspension development on my car. After the DB she told me that it was this weekend that she started really feeling lonely and that I wasn't really caring about her feelings, etc.
- End of 2016 I also started getting into doing track days (HPDE). Our club does both autocross and track days. 9 auto-x days per year and 2-3 track day weekends, plus monthly club meetings the Thursday prior to each autocross event.
- In 2017 I got pressured into running for President of the club for the 2018 season. The W thought I should do it, it would be good for the club, etc. We even jokes about being able to call her the "first lady."
- 2018 season was busy and was far more work than I'd expected. Early in the year we had a talk about divorce... she told me she was lonely with me being gone as much as I was - but for some reason in my mind "lonely" was more like "bored" to me. She didn't have any hobbies, it was family stuff and doing things together and that was about it. She got a dog. This was a huge red flag that I kick myself for not seeing. I told her to give me until the end of the year and she agreed.
- In the summer of 2018 we found out she was pregnant... I was telling everyone that there was no way I'd be able to continue with the club in 2019 and needed to start looking for a replacement. In September I took a day off work to go hear the baby's heartbeat... it wasn't there. We found out she had a miscarriage. I was sad and she took it especially hard (understandably so).
- For some stupid reason, I caved to pressure from others and had the audacity to ask her if I should run for President again in 2019. I should have never done that. I was lulled into thinking it'd be easier since at the end of the season stuff was considerably slower paced. She told me that she would support me in whatever I wanted to do. I was later told after the DB that she went along with it because I'd either A) resent her if I didn't do it or B) I'd just do it anyway. I honestly can't say she's wrong, it wasn't until the DB that I truly realized my priorities were messed up all this time.
- End of 2018 she graduated and got her bachelors degree. In January 2019 she got a job.
- In January of 2019 I was coming home from work, answering emails, calling people, setting up stuff for the season, etc from the time I got home from work, to the time I went to bed. There were several nights that she went to bed alone. I would take a break occasionally to watch a show or two with her, but then it was right back to work on stuff that now really doesn't mean anything to me. There were times that my son wanted to play with me, and I'd tell him "one minute" "one minute" "one minute" etc and that minute never came. When he'd try to jump on me I'd hold my hand out to hold him away from me... I wish I could have seen clearly and enjoyed time with him when I could. I took both of them for granted and always felt they'd "always" be there. Man was I wrong.
- Late in January 2019 we found out she was pregnant again... and then had a miscarriage almost immediately after finding this out. I was at work on a Friday, working on a vehicle that had to be done by the end of the day(had been there for weeks)... when I got a call that she was told to go to the hospital and have a DNC performed... I did not know how invasive/traumatic that procedure can be... I stupidly asked her if she had a friend with her... she had a friend from work with her. I asked if I needed to leave work... she said "I guess not." I told her to call me if I needed to leave. I guess my lack of urgency told her everything she needed to know to end everything.
I was a complete idiot, with priorities way out of whack. We have had several good memories in between all of the bad stuff above... we took a camping trip last summer with my son which was a lot of fun, and in January actually took him to see his first movie in theaters together (A Dog's Way Home). Seeing this movie in theaters was actually a really good time and made me really start to regret taking the President role a second year.
I also had a pornography addiction - I would frequently get off in the shower and she knew what was up... I didn't think much of it ("every guy does that")... but didn't think of it in terms of robbing her of intimacy. Funny enough I've been able to cut it out entirely (ok... one day I relapsed) over the last 2 months... when it contributes to ruining your life it is a lot less appealing.
Post DB:
So for the first ~3 weeks I did all the wrong things, begging and pleading, etc.
I let the rest of the board of directors of the club know that I had to step down the day after the DB. This didn't change anything.
I thought she just needed space so I moved out the following weekend and am renting a room in a friend's house closer to work. Knowing what I know now, I probably should have not left, though it'd have been far harder to GAL and suspect it would have just made her angrier. Our son is on the spectrum for autism - she claimed it would be hard for him to understand cohabitation. I justified moving out by not being able to force her to love me again.
The lowest point in my life was the day after she told me, I sat in our closet with a gun to my chin, crying uncontrollably for a solid 20 minutes. I couldn't do it because it would have been worse to not be there for my son at all, and it would have just made things harder on everyone.
The Friday prior to moving out I played with my son for a solid 3 hours straight... without the worries of the club on my mind I could actually really just enjoy my time with him. I wish I'd quit it sooner.
For Valentine's Day (a couple days prior, I wasn't planning on being around) I gave her an Ihop gift card (her favorite place) to take our S6 out to dinner.
To throw a wrench into things, our son got suspended from his after school care for acting out, so I left work early to get him off the school bus. I got a single rose for her and put it on the dash of her car while she was at work with a note that said "Because you deserve to feel wanted." I couldn't help myself. She said it was sweet, but her mind was made up.
The worst part is when he asks why I can't live with him. At one point I told him that I needed to give mommy space... he will say things like "you need to give mommy more room so that you can live her again" which just kills me.
I started going to church after the DB. She was a Sunday school teacher, and I rarely went before. Usually had an event going on, or was too tired, etc. Come to find out she had been praying for me to change for a long long time per the one Sunday school program director.
She called me another time about 2 weeks after the DB because she thought she had pneumonia and had to go to the doctor... I left work right away (I wasn't making that mistake twice) so I could watch our son so she could go. We made sandwiches in the kitchen together and she told me that it would be so much easier financially if I just came back... but she couldn't do it. I told her that it would be for the wrong reasons and she needs to WANT me back so we can work on things.
Another week later the brakes on her car went out... so I called in to work, drove her to work, got my son on the bus, and got a master cylinder for her car. After picking her up I replaced it that night.
About the 3 week mark she told me that she started talking to another man... they're "just friends" and he's going through "the same thing" which absolutely crushed me. She told me in case me or one of my friends see them together she said. FWIW I haven't heard anything else about this since then. We did establish that nobody goes around our son until there is a legitimate serious relationship/over 1yr+.
She ended up buying a new car, and I had to sign off on trading in hers since my name was on the title. We had a very nice, cordial exchange while at the dealer (where I work, but different location). They tried to not give her the family discount since we're living in separate places... but I stuck up for her and pointed out on the policy that it's irrelevant, and she's still my W since VA doesn't have a "legally separated" status. You're either married or single. So I saved her $800.
Love with your actions right?
So the main takeaways for the last ~2 months is that she's just angry. I've stopped all pursuit, pressuring, etc. I was asking about some of her debts at one point (I was going to offer to take on some of her medical debt, she has about 8k of it), but she essentially told me she doesn't care... she just wants me to pay child support and "leave her the hell alone."
The last week has been good overall. I've been taking my son every other weekend, and stopping by every Wednesday night to play with him/get him dinner/shower/ready for bed. She usually leaves the apartment while I'm over there.
I lost 15lbs during the first 3 weeks from not eating... and have lost another 25lbs since (so from 230 down to 190). I've been eating healthier (mostly chicken/fish/salads and nothing but water for the most part) which is a huge 180 from what I used to do... eating fast food out for lunch all the time, etc.
I'm really feeling like I'm owning this GAL concept now. I went shopping this past weekend to get a bunch of new clothes since nothing fits... been keeping a clean haircut, got some new shoes, etc. I've always dressed kind of like a bum... so now that I'm looking better I'm actually feeling really good about myself.
I'm at the point where I still want to save my marriage... but I know that I'll be OK either way.
Will post more details/fill in when time allows. I've been sitting down to type this out too long already.
