I believe you are correct, DnJ, that H’s crisis has been building up, slowly and gradually for years. He was able to live his double life – the life of a married man who was (often) content if not completely happy, and the life that allowed him to escape when the demons got too close. In the end, he couldn’t recover from the last attempt to feel good, and that’s when I ultimately asked him to most out. He just had nothing left to give me.
Originally Posted by DnJ
He has to be depressed. However, they really run from their pain and hide it well - from themselves.
He has admitted to me many times since he moved out that he is depressed. But, he is choosing to do nothing about it. Perhaps his current actions are pushing him into deeper depression. Maybe the result of that is his almost complete lack of communication with me and the kids. He really has fallen off the radar. Only a few very brief text messages over the past 3 or 4 weeks.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Are you remaining snoop free? It is a difficult thing to let go of.
Not 100%, but improved. Haven’t looked at phone records or did any internet searches in almost a week. Still look at FB once in a while, but I stopped OWs FB page.
Originally Posted by DnJ
As odd as this will sound, more will be revealed to you when you are not looking for it. Focus on you, and kids. Things will be revealed and make sense through patience.
I can’t imagine what could be revealed when I am not looking for it. But, I will wait until God decides to do it. His timing, not mine.
Originally Posted by DnJ
All the above uncertainty and pondering is healthy and part of doing quite well. It is part of letting go. Seeing and accepting. And there isn’t much positive to see from him. Something to accept.
Yes. I can feel that happening. There was something that came across my FB today. Maybe not 100%, yet, but when I read it I said to myself “Yes!”.
“And then it happens...One day you wake up and you’re in this place. You’re in this place where everything feels right. Your heart is calm. Your soul is lit. Your thoughts are positive. Your vision is clear. Your faith in God is stronger than ever. And you’re at peace. At peace with where you’ve been. At peace with what you’ve been through. And at peace with where you’re headed…”
I felt compelled to repost it, with the following bible verse.
(Jesus to his disciples at the end of the Passover meal three days before his death) “I am leaving you with a gift- peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid. John 14:27
I wondered very briefly if H would see it, and what he would think about it. I do not know if he follows me on FB, and I didn’t re-post it for H. I just saw so much joy, peace and hope in it, I felt compelled to share it.
Tonight I will be going to Maundy Thursday service, and will reflect on how much Jesus has changed me over the last 7 months. I hope I can share some of HIS wisdom, peace and love with H some day. But, my faith journey is not for H, it’s for me.
