13 years and 2 kids pt. 5

[Hurt213]

Journaling..

So, guess its time to put a little effort into my own situation. I try to check in once in a while, but contrary to months ago, I don't really have a need to talk about myself - I am actually just looking to see, if there are any questions that I feel like I have the knowledge to respond to these days - which is really odd, and I can't explain this, but I guess it must be me having dropped the rope and detached.

So In this state of mind, do I still think about my ex? from time to time, and I probably always will, however, I don't really linger with these thoughts anymore - she is and always will be a constant in my life, because of our children - and I accepted that we are bound to go down a mutual path because of that, which then made me realize, that detaching is not about forgetting and pushing away - detaching, at least for me, is accepting the state of life that I can have, is not based on any outside influence, but it comes from within - and I am in a great place right now.

We sat down this week, with our d5, and told her, that mommy and daddy are going to move in two different houses, and that we are no longer in love but really good friends - She has been living in this arrangement of 7/7 schedule for 5 months, so its not really something new for her, and she didn't react. S2 Wont remember so he just played with his firetruck. Ex has a lot of divorced girlfriends, and regularly have had playdates with them and their children, so D5 also know how these arrangements works from there.

When we were done talking, we all headed to the swimming pool and afterwards had a bite together - We had decided to spend the day together, in case D5 had any questions or became upset - nothing of that sort happened - and most likely wont until the house is sold and everything becomes real.

House should be sold within the next 40 days, there is a lot of activity which is great - I am really looking forward to getting my own place, and my own routines with the kids.

I still work out 5 times a week, and have really upped my social game. Getting a lot of female attention, but I don't feel ready to dive in - for now, I am just enjoying me and my kids, and the fact that a long and hard journey is about to be over. Then some point down the road on my new adventure, I will be ready to invite a traveller onboard my ship .

Ex is still together with the OM she left for and has been for 9 months, so I am pretty sure that they are serious, so good for them. I hope she considers not introducing my kids to soon, so they have time to adjust, however I doubt it, since she used my netflix account (yea I changed the password, but she logged in via the kids account), to see a show about a blended family and the struggles that comes with that - I know, I can't interfere, shouldn't, and have no saying. However it is a valid concern of mine, and I am just being honest with you guys - its really my only concern now.

Is reconciliation on the table? She is the mother of my children, and that is the only reason why I am not stating a plain no. I feel empowered by the way I have taken my life into my own hands. I am good looking, I have taken control of my life, I have taken control of my struggles (gym, being social, getting life back on track) and I have accomplished all these things, and I feel so good. When I look at my ex (yesterday), she looks so tired, used and just has an aura of depression around her. Her hair used to be golden, her skin silky smooth, and now, her hair is grayish, her skin is so filled with stress acne, that she is on heavy medication that requires her to take monthly blood samples at the hospital, and her body posture is really bad, she is nearly collapsed.

I am not attracted to the woman I described above, even though we share so much history. I actually said to myself the other day, that "xxxxx as I knew her, died august 2018, I dont know the woman I am looking at" - and I am just at a place in time, where I believe that to be true.

She says she has found herself, and that she is now mature and finally living life as she wants too - I say good for her, and I hope she will become happy, but if that is who she wants to be, then she is no longer a person I can see my self spending my life with.

Finally in regards to reconciliation - I set a boundary for myself, which was, that when my kids were informed about us splitting, then there would be no possibility of recon. My kids are informed, and I have described my emotions, however I struggle just a little bit, because NEVER is such an permanent statement, and I dont know the future. I wanna stay true to myself and my boundary, but yea, a little struggle with forever here.

Just keeping it real and as I am feeling it - feedback always appreciated.

(hugs)