I was going to respond earlier, but Benito has articulated everything I wanted to say, but so much better.
Alison - we have all been where you are. You need to let him go and focus on you. The constant interactions make it difficult to do this because when they are around all the time we naturally want to put meaning into everything they say and do. I know its hard you want him to see the changes but in the end, and you'll realise this too, the changes are not to win him back, the changes are for you. If he comes back that's a bonus, if he doesn't, you win anyway.
Limit your interactions. Be friendly but not too available. If you can't manage that without getting your emotions in a twist, then limit your interactions even more. You can increase them again later when you aren't so much at the mercy of the slings and the arrows. Like the changes, detachment is a tool to protect you (and yes, I know it is also a tool to make them realise what they've lost but to me that's a little manipulative).
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Yesterday he said, 'there's something wrong, what is it?' and I said, 'well, I'm afraid to bring it up because of how cruel and nasty you can be when you feel criticised,' and he pushed and in the end I said, 'I know I rang at a bad time and I know I was asking you for something you've told me already you can't give. I know that wasn't respecting your boundaries. I accept responsibility for that. I've apologised. And some of the ways you treated me in response were really cruel and unacceptable to me, yet here you are being nursed when you are sick, and wanting that from me, and while I want to help you and comfort you, I also hate how you treat me when I ask for help and comfort from you.'
I'm sorry to say this but all he heard was "you are cruel and nasty ... [blah blah blah] ... your response was cruel and unacceptable ... you expect me to nurse you when you're sick ... I don't get anything in return".
Pressure. Lots and lots of pressure. And a little of you playing the victim.
You are not a victim Alison. Stop acting like one.
Him: 'there's something wrong, what is it?' Me: 'I'm Ok - just had a tough day".
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When he was here he was talking about how things were going to be once he's done his project - how different the marriage will be. It wasn't just a list of changes he wanted me to make, but more changes in how our lives would be - how we'd spend our time and so on. I just said, 'a lot would need to be different for that to work, wouldn't it?' and he said 'yes.' I still don't have any sense that he's considering what would need to be different about him. I don't know.
Your response "a lot would need to be different" reeks of blame. Just listen to him when he says things like this. Nod your head, validate where you need to but don't get drawn into the conversation.
And why are you running after him with a [censored] flannel? He left. He fired you as his wife. He doesn't get to have you running around after him now just because he doesn't feel well. Consequences. He can look after his own self.
Sorry, that was harsh.
They say here that we should treat them like a friendly neighbour - if your neighbour was sick, you might offer some friendly advice/sympathy - "That sounds terrible, you probably should get some lemsip / paracetamol on your way home and tuck yourself up in bed" but you certainly wouldn't be nursing them back. You'd probably not even think about it again once you'd said goodbye and closed the door.
