Feeling lost, scared and still fighting it... why?

[Turbine]

Thanks to both of you.

I was at the gym last night. I hardly ever see her anymore. At home, anywhere... yes, that makes me sad.

The guilt... I have always internalized and taken the blame for stuff. Rightly or not. There is stuff from pre Mrs. Turbine I still have. Do I need help? Without a doubt. Not sure there is enough time in a day to attend to everything I need to in order to change all or any of that. Forgive myself... will take time.

When I was in 5th grade, maybe sooner, the school sent me to see the psychologist for the school district. Draw a picture of a man, a house, your family, all that stuff. No idea what the determination was. Maybe I am holding on to the idea they thought I was "broken". What a garbage thing to do to a kid. Not sure my parents even knew the results. That is messed up too. Sort of like the feeling I have carried with me that I will NEVER be able to retire.

Future without her... ships that separate take a long time to get over the horizon and fade from sight. The taller the ship the longer it takes. Will we get back together? I don't know. Maybe this will flip and she will and I won't. Not thrilled about that right now.

Got home last night... alone. Ate supper, cleaned up and went to my room. This morning I got my stuff done, packed my lunch and left. All without seeing her. maybe I should give her the pictures I have next to the bed. I have copies in my computer so I can see them if I want to.

Not angry with God. Feeling that I am not hearing what He is telling me. So feeling lost and disappointed with myself.

Caller to the radio show was talking about a comment made by Mrs. Obama about divorced dads. Yeah it was a dig toward the president. Rather insulting toward a group of people in general. The caller made a comment about how he felt he had failed his children. There are divorce parties. Celebrating a failure? So society is getting more accepting of D. i can understand this on an intellectual level. Living this though... what a wringer. So yeah there are some expectations I have or had about this. Work on it. She believes she did and now... too late. We aren't dead. So I reject that. To accept it just reinforces too me a check in the fail column. I have a lot to do if I can change that feeling from a end total to a step in the process.