Thank you everyone for the tough and clear advice and suggestions. I do really value it. I feel more grounded today in some ways, and more baffled in others.
H came around to see me the day after I called him. He was very kind and nice to me, but didn't really acknowledge the phone call or what we'd said to each other. This is a regular thing with us - I'm the person who wants to talk things out and resolve them, and he's the person who wants to demonstrate a repair through action, and leave things unsaid. I apologised for my part in things and he accepted that and gave me a hug, but didn't really comment on his part in things at all. He was sick - really sick - and I cooked for him again and spent the last couple of days looking after him a bit. He had a fever and slept most of the time. Other than making sure he was fed and had medication, I just went about my life - went out with the kids, did my GAL - as if he wasn't there.
Yesterday he said, 'there's something wrong, what is it?' and I said, 'well, I'm afraid to bring it up because of how cruel and nasty you can be when you feel criticised,' and he pushed and in the end I said, 'I know I rang at a bad time and I know I was asking you for something you've told me already you can't give. I know that wasn't respecting your boundaries. I accept responsibility for that. I've apologised. And some of the ways you treated me in response were really cruel and unacceptable to me, yet here you are being nursed when you are sick, and wanting that from me, and while I want to help you and comfort you, I also hate how you treat me when I ask for help and comfort from you.'
He really didn't like that and started on about how I shouldn't ring him when he's tired, he's stressed etc etc. I said, 'Yes, you're right about that. And yes, there's more I could do to respect your boundaries. But what I am talking about is the mean and cruel way you spoke to me and the way that made me feel, and that matters too,' and in the end he apologised. I just accepted it quickly and changed the subject because I didn't want him to feel like I was berating him or forcing him to grovel. I wanted some acknowledgement, I suppose. He can't help not having much emotional capacity right now, or being unable to offer support. I can't help not liking that. But we can both help how we behave.
Ah, I don't know. He's gone back to his own place now. We have a standing arrangement for him to take the kids on Wednesday nights so I can GAL at a class I do to, so he will be back later. When he was here he was talking about how things were going to be once he's done his project - how different the marriage will be. It wasn't just a list of changes he wanted me to make, but more changes in how our lives would be - how we'd spend our time and so on. I just said, 'a lot would need to be different for that to work, wouldn't it?' and he said 'yes.' I still don't have any sense that he's considering what would need to be different about him. I don't know.
So this is either me accepting he can offer nothing, running around after him with a wet flannel and a lemsip after some pretty awful behaviour on his part, and accepting mere civility because it's just the crumbs that are on offer right now. Or it is him starting to trust me enough to ask for comfort and be vulnerable (that is new - him wanting comfort when sick) and me learning to accept that part of a relationship is in offering care and support through the hard times when the other person can't give much in return. I don't know which it is. Probably a bit of both.
