The thing with being a distancer (and this is only from my own experience of being a distancer) is when we're hurt, we withdraw but we never say why. We expect those close to us to know they've hurt us and to amend their behavior accordingly. They might know instinctively what they've done, but unless you make it clear, then they will put it to the back of their minds (to protect their ego) and just think you're a moody [censored].
This is very different from setting boundaries. Setting boundaries is telling someone that their behavior is unacceptable and then telling them what the consequences of their behavior. There is no miscommunication. There is no him saying you're a moody [censored].
As Alison says, he can reflect or he can ignore it.
Originally Posted by dillydaf
What I need: to have some honest conversations with dh without either of us walking on eggshells. I walked on eggshells round him for years, and now he says that's how he feels.
This is not going to happen any time soon. If you force it now, it will end badly.
You are both a) fearful of hurting the other and b) fearful of getting hurt. Conversations like this can only happen when you feel comfortable enough to know that you can say what needs to be said, and you can hear what needs to be heard.
I don't think either of you are there yet. Focus on simply talking to one another again. Make him feel when he leaves that the interaction was a positive one. No R talks. Just normal everyday talk.
Originally Posted by dillydaf
I don't really know how to get the safety back in our relationship,
Time and {emotional} distance. Right now (and this is not meant to be harsh) you are dependent on him to make you happy. During the holiday you got upset. When he doesn't text you get upset. With time and distance you will discover that your happiness is not dependent on him. This releases your H from the responsibility of making you happy. And remember, he is a man running away from responsibility.
In the meantime, work on rebuilding a friendship. No pressure no expectations. If he texts, then respond in a friendly manner. If he doesn't text then try and pay it no mind - even when it is days since he last sent a text. Yes, he might think that you are distancing, but so what. He knows where you are.
Originally Posted by dillydaf
We're going out to dinner as a family on Thursday night for ds1's birthday, then we are spending Good Friday to Easter Monday together. I don't know how that will play out.
It will play out the way it plays out. Just be friendly happy Dilly who has no expectations and doesn't put any pressure on him. Pretend you are out with a family member (maybe a sister or a brother).
I am not saying this because I think it will make you more attractive to him (but it will) or take the pressure of him (which it does) but because it also takes the pressure of you. It will be tough. You will want to reach out to him. You will wonder what's going on but cast those thoughts aside. Change your mindset. You are there to celebrate S1's birthday. You are there to spend time together as a family. You are not there to reconcile.
Originally Posted by dillydaf
We both need some new ways of being with each other and to take down some of the walls.
Dilly, many here experience all sorts of unimaginable hatred from their spouses. Their spouses rage, call them terrible names, hide money, flaunt their affairs, act like teenagers, ignore them for days/weeks/months. And this isn't me minimising what you're going through - your H is being a self serving [censored] who is only thinking about himself and his pain right now. Your pain and longing is as real as any of us here.
What I am saying is you have an opportunity right now to start building a relationship with your H. But it starts with friendship (and tbh that's where it might end). Those walls will only fall once you become friends again. They will fall when he can look at you and see an attractive, independent woman who is not putting pressure on him to be someone he isn't sure he wants to be anymore.
Originally Posted by dillydaf
I hope he can step up and play his part.
He won't, or at least he won't for a long time. Be prepared for a long ride.
I agree with all of that FS. I used to accuse him of thinking I was a mind reader but apparently I was equally guilty! I have been better since this happened at boundaries, but clearly I need to keep working on my assertiveness, old habits die hard. Trying to do it when I'm triggered is the hardest of all, that's probably what I have to work on the most. I've started on not running away and a few times I've said why I've gone cold, but not in the moment. Maybe a goal.
I agree, I can't force it now, absolutely. In some ways I feel like we were making progress before towards friendship and reconnection, we were quite relaxed with each other and there was plenty of banter via text and stuff. I don't know what happened to make things get worse again? I need to think about that, it might have been both of us. I definitely started getting insecure and impatient and maybe pressuring too much and it sent him backwards, I don't know. Or maybe he started getting feelings for me again and didn't trust either of us to have changed, who knows. Maybe it doesn't matter why, I just need to step back and stop thinking about R and get on with things.
I'm also not sure how much longer I can live without physical affection and sex. If you're younger then maybe you feel like you can wait longer, but I feel like literally everything is shrivelling up. Perimenopause truly is a horrible time!
Easter: I will try my very best to be relaxed and chilled out. Not drinking wine will definitely help with this, I will stay strong on that rule!
Update: I sent dh a friendly text about the weather this morning and was then travelling all day. Got home very late (after 11) and saw a message asking if we'd got back. I'd been driving so hadn't seen it. Then he'd sent two more saying that his phone was on do not disturb because he was driving and to text him with the word urgent so it could get through. I figured he goes to bed early so I didn't want to wake him up so won't reply tonight, but I did find it funny that he must have pulled over just to send those texts. Mixed messages, see? He won't commit to loving me or even talking about trying to love me, but the thought of anything happening to me scares him. The other day I cut myself with a knife cooking and his intake of breath was much sharper than mine. Bizarre beyond words.
