Not Sure Where This Is Going

[Niall11]

Sandi, thanks for checking in. Up higher in the thread were responses to some questions you asked me a week or two back. Answers to these questions are here.

How she came to see me as both a resented parental figure and a second child, etc.

How did you see it?

Complicated. When we got together I was 33, she was 22. English not her first language. She was in a new city, knew nobody except me and her uncle (who's my old friend). I'd lived there for 15 years. Economy was awful in 2009 and she couldn't find work. I had a very high-paying job at the time. She came to live in my place and had no role in the finances at all for years, I paid for everything. Now things are different.

Where we live now I'd also lived before (grew up near here) and knew my way around. She was always getting lost. I fell into the pattern of helping her edit her grad school papers, etc. So I did a lot of taking care of her and, although I admired her abilities and accomplishments, I probably still felt like I needed to do certain things for her. I still handle the bills, etc.

I came to learn that she resented this, saw things I considered helpful as controlling. Like I thought she couldn't handle things herself. The past couple years I've been worried about money a lot, especially since having a child. I was pretty depressed and distracted. Didn't do enough around the house. She deeply resented that, in her mind, I was thinking of her as a dumb child while she saw herself as having come into her own and me as stagnating. I don't think it's totally accurate but that doesn't matter...

W is on vacation this week and originally had all sorts of plans to do things with our D2. I was not included in any of these plans, which still stings a bit. Last year we all took a short trip as a family over the April break. To my chagrin but not my surprise, D2 now has been dropped from a number of W's plans, although W did spend a lot of time with D2 over the weekend and brought her to a BBQ yesterday morning that she originally didn't plan to bring her to.

Niall, your W is shutting you out of her life. This is just the beginning.

Yes, I see that. I had hoped she needed to establish SOME independence from me but she seems determined to have total independence.

I was supposed to go to a playoff hockey game but my ticket fell through, so I went out with a friend in the evening.

Great!

Yeah, there was no way I was staying home that night. I needed to get out in the world.

W dropped D2 off with me and went off to see a movie with yet another friend. She mentioned something about trivia night tonight but I reminded her that we made a schedule and Tuesday is my night and I have plans with a friend.

Did she follow the schedule, or did she ignore it and go be with her friend?

Normally she's at work until 4 or 5 and the schedule is for the evenings. This week she's off from work and is doing things during the daytime. She casually mentioned this trivia thing after her afternoon movie, which would have gone against the schedule and I said I already have plans and Tuesday is my night.

As much activity your W does, I'm wondering who does the work around the house. Who actually takes care D2? Frankly, I am suspicious of all these times she's suppose to be out with D2. To me, it sounds as if she could be using this as her cover for being with other women. That's just my 2 cents based on the wayward W behavior. I mean, she may have the child with her, IDK, but I think she's blowing smoke up your a$$ for the most part.

She has found a new playground with women who want to participate. I don't know what you think is going to happen. Do you think this will just wear off and she'll stop her pursuit with same sex partners?

Do you have a plan of action?

We both do a fair amount around the house. I do it more regularly in short bursts, she tends to spend like 6 hours straight on a Saturday cleaning up and doing laundry. I do feel like these days, when she's home, she's on the phone and not as engaged with D2 as she used to be. I try to pick up the slack and be a great dad.

Of all the things I think she's guilty of, trying to have affairs with D2 around is not really among them. She hasn't been out with D2 all that much lately and I know where they've been. Over the weekend she was with her parents, who adore D2. Supermarket, garden store, Target, oil change, helping her sister move out.

Yesterday she took D2 to a BBQ hosted by her female friend's parents. This friend is married happily to a man and I know them. In years past I've gone to this event. She didn't want me there this time. Today she met a coworker, also a woman married to a man, and her D3 at the museum. I dropped them off and picked them up, they posted photos. This girl will be in D2's class in the fall.

This is what I know at this moment: She has four new friends from her new job that she sees socially. Three are heterosexual and married, the one from this morning has the kid my kid's age. The fourth is a gay woman and they go to these dance parties. I suspected the affair was there but, based on drips and drabs of info, it may not be an affair.

There is no doubt that she WANTS to start some sort of relationship with a woman right now, but no real evidence that she's found any willing participant. There's also no doubt that, at the moment, she doesn't want a sexual relationship or to do much of anything at all with me.

I don't know what I think. She obviously got to a point of deep anger about me and the MR, and this is where she's at right now. I never would have thought her capable of it before, and I don't know if it's always going to be like this or if, at some point, she'll realize that being a divorced mom trying to act like a teenager is not going to be all that.

Plan of action? Trying to improve my income to be better positioned to live around here separate from her if (when) it comes to that. In the meantime genuinely trying to 180 (going pretty well), GAL (going not as well but getting better), and detach (I'm having a very hard time with it).