Not Sure Where This Is Going

[Niall11]

Journaling here a bit because it's somewhat cathartic. I've had all sorts of thoughts the past few days but they escape me now. Mostly about how we got here and the unhealthy patterns, etc. How she came to see me as both a resented parental figure and a second child, etc.

W is on vacation this week and originally had all sorts of plans to do things with our D2. I was not included in any of these plans, which still stings a bit. Last year we all took a short trip as a family over the April break. To my chagrin but not my surprise, D2 now has been dropped from a number of W's plans, although W did spend a lot of time with D2 over the weekend and brought her to a BBQ yesterday morning that she originally didn't plan to bring her to.

Friday W had a drink with coworkers when they got out but was home by 6 or so. We put D2 to bed together.

Saturday she ran errands in the morning with D2, went to help her sister decorate a new place without D2, and stayed out most of the day. I took D2 to the park during the day. To my surprise, instead of just going home, W met us at the park. I was supposed to go to a playoff hockey game but my ticket fell through, so I went out with a friend in the evening.

Sunday W took D2 out during the day and went to a dinner/ Game of Thrones party in the evening. I went for a hike and watched a small road race near our house.

Yesterday (Monday) was a holiday here. W took D2 to the BBQ early, went to her parents' for several hours, then went out to her now-regular dance class with potential OW2 (more on that below). I went with my friend next door to watch a big event happening right near our house and we had a couple of beers. I was on kid duty from dinnertime on.

This morning I had client and networking meetings. W took D2 to a museum in town, met up with a coworker whose daughter is the same age and will be in our D2's class at preschool in the fall. Apparently they got along really well, which is great since D2 really hasn't been around enough kids her own age. W dropped D2 off with me and went off to see a movie with yet another friend. She mentioned something about trivia night tonight but I reminded her that we made a schedule and Tuesday is my night and I have plans with a friend.

Tomorrow she's got a mystery plan from 10 to 1 (in my experience things that go on the calendar with no info beyond a time involve not OW2 but my W's BFF, whom she knows I don't like these days). It was marked as "Mom + D2," but D2 has to be at the pediatrician at 1. So W is using that as her excuse for not taking D2 to her morning thing. And for asking me to handle the doctor's visit.

Thursday was on the calendar as "W-day trip with D2." She claimed her plan was to take D2 to a zoo about an hour away. I think it would be fine. Now she's saying that D2 doesn't do well with long car rides. So I said, "Do something with her closer to here." W said, "Well, I want to go far enough away from here that I feel like I had at least one day of real vacation." And apparently that means more than spending time with D2.

She tells me that, if I think D2 will be OK driving to that zoo, I should take her. I wouldn't hesitate to but, alas, I have other responsibilities on Thursday. My W thinks that, because I work mostly from home with odd hours, that I don't do anything. So W now plans to leave D2 with her mom on Thursday and drive off to do whatever she wants. Before this time frame I'd be fine with that. But under the current circumstances it seems sad and selfish.

An older couple we know invited both of us to a jazz concert next week and, to my surprise, W accepted. I have, from my POV, stopped pursuing W long ago, so I wasn't going to mention this invite. Just see how she handled it. This morning she asked me and I said it sounded like fun. She immediately wrote and told them yes. We'll see how that goes.

I will say that, as I've stopped pursuing (I let her come to me on virtually everything beyond saying, "Good morning") she has not started to chase me at all. Her attitude toward me these days (admittedly speculating because I'm not a mindreader) seems to swing between, "I've wasted enough time worrying about him and I don't care," and "I want to enjoy my life independently and I hope he will too." She's not erratic, moody, all over the place. She is pretty selfish and determined to accept as many invitations as possible.

Interesting news on OW2 front. Someone I know just told me that, a couple of weeks ago, W and her potential OW2 were at an LGBT dance event in the city. OW2 apparently kissed someone else there and seemed to be trying to help W meet people, which was a surprise to my old friend who didn't know about any of our issues. So perhaps OW2 is not hooking up with my W, but if W's not cheating it's for lack of opportunity, not lack of desire. Kind of the same difference. Not really a surprise at this point but still disappointing.

For whatever reason, when I think of this fall I still can't come to terms with the idea of potentially not living with W and D2 all together. I still see all of this as so unnecessary. I've always been the kind of person to want to talk out difference and reach an understanding. DB principles make sense, I understand that we're past the point of talking it out easily, but still hard for me to accept that.

I've felt a lot like she's been having much more fun than I am. I always had friends and was active. Lately a lot of my friends are busy and not up for meeting up much. I asked 8 or 10 old friends and relatives to describe me in one word the past couple of years. I got things "preoccupied," "withdrawn," "worried." A lot of people close to me going through really tough times, my dad has been sick, people dying, and I've had a lot on my mind. W has checked out on all of that.

W now has some new, young friends not dealing with such heaviness and is regularly invited to all sorts of fun activities. I have to push aside being a little jealous about her new social life, and resentful that it wasn't necessary to combine it with completely casting me aside. I was paid on a biggish project and we got a decent tax refund, so I'm less worried about cash flow and will start to push outside my comfort zone more.

Long, long post and I don't expect anyone to read it all but it's helpful to get some thoughts out.