Don't answer or do not give her details. Do your thing. GAL... You can bring her into the fold if she wants to be with you again. R2C is the king of prompts if you are not sure what to say. Check out some of his advice.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Been busy DBing since my last post. Ive been on the site reading when I feel hopeless. Been a real roller coaster of emotions lately but I feel as if I’m starting to accept the situation and realizing that no matter what happens I will be okay.
So after reading a lot I decided to talk with my W about some boundaries. Most were small things about how she talks to me but the big one was, that “Iknow we are having problems and that an affair would be a deal breaker for me”. She denied affair of course and I don’t have any evidence that she is having one. After this boundary talk it seemed as if she respected me for saying it. The week of bomb drop she wouldn’t tell me anything about what she is doing but the day after my boundary talk she was very specific about where she was going and doing.
She has still not mentioned D or separation, and there have been no further R talks. There have been a few instances almost daily where she is very friendly and talkative like she was a few months ago before BD. Then she goes back to coldness. I read this can be a sign of good DBing and that the WAW will “try out being nice”?
The physical touch in bed is hit or miss. Some nights she will lay closer and touch me while going to bed, other nights she won’t. I’m not initiating and trying to mirror. I have been trying to use words of affirmation which was one of her complaints during BD. Per advice of the vets on here I haven’t been always complimenting her on looks. For example this morning I said “you are so creative with your outfits”. This initially got an “Ok” from her and then a few moments later she said “that was weird”. Not sure if I should stop saying things like that or if it’s weird because I never used to say things like that? Any advice on her reactions to my words of advice would be appreciated.
After this boundary talk it seemed as if she respected me for saying it.
Boundaries usually do earn you some respect, but you've got to be careful because she may test your boundaries and if she does then you need to be ready to enforce them or she will lose that respect.
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There have been a few instances almost daily where she is very friendly and talkative like she was a few months ago before BD. Then she goes back to coldness. I read this can be a sign of good DBing and that the WAW will “try out being nice”?
It's pretty common for them to cycle through a range of emotions just like the LBS. But if you effectively remove all pressure then there may be a lot more "nice" days because she won't feel the need to "mean" you away from herself.
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The physical touch in bed is hit or miss. Some nights she will lay closer and touch me while going to bed, other nights she won’t. I’m not initiating and trying to mirror.
Yes that's good, just let her do what she's going to do.
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I have been trying to use words of affirmation which was one of her complaints during BD. Per advice of the vets on here I haven’t been always complimenting her on looks. For example this morning I said “you are so creative with your outfits”. This initially got an “Ok” from her and then a few moments later she said “that was weird”. Not sure if I should stop saying things like that or if it’s weird because I never used to say things like that?
Yes she's going to have a strange reaction to it at first because she's not used to it. Just keep doing it. Try not to make it sexual though, complimenting her outfit like that is good. Also her work abilities, parenting skills, etc. Michele says in one of her books that if the WAS is a pain in the neck 95% of the time and great 5% of the time then celebrate the 5%. So look for the 5%, like maybe your W is rocking your son to sleep and you tell her "he is lucky to have such a loving mom", something like that.
Thanks for the advice AnotherStander I will stay the course.
I’ve got another situation regarding validation for you. So last night I was in the kitchen, my W asked me to heat up some left over pasta for my son. I did so. When I brought it to him in the other room I said “careful it’s a little hot”. My W got upset all of a sudden and said something along the lines of “why did you heat it up for that long it’s too hot for him to eat!” She wasn’t yelling but was definitely upset. I responded in a calm voice: “are you really upset over this? Just wait a minute and it will cool down”. I was of course correct and she and the baby had some bites no longer than a minute later.
Looking back at this I wonder should I have validated and agreed? It just seemed like such a ridiculous thing to be bothered about to me. Should I have responded by validating and going to run cool water over the pasta?
I said “careful it’s a little hot”. My W got upset all of a sudden and said something along the lines of “why did you heat it up for that long it’s too hot for him to eat!” She wasn’t yelling but was definitely upset.
This is a boundary opportunity:
H:"W, when you constantly criticise the way I do things, I feel disrespected. If you continue, I will.....
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
