Thanks for your thoughts Yorkie I think I haven't been focusing on his shortcomings really because a) I can't fix him, I have no control over him b) I can only look at my part in all this mess
I don't think I did believe that if I did my work it would all be ok, I just had hope that he would do his work (though gosh, wouldn't it be easier for him if he got HELP in doing that work...?) And I did see some positive signs from him, so maybe I got over hopeful. A constant theme for me. I feel like I can see this beautiful, intimate marriage between us and I so want it to happen I gloss over everything it will take to get there...
Suppressing my own needs: actually, I have historically been pretty good at looking after myself, at going out and GAL and being more than a wife and mother. That has been a marital battle between us, because dh has called me selfish for doing so. But yes, I probably have suppressed my own EMOTIONAL needs within our marriage, I have put up with too little intimacy and too much of him dominating the relationship. And part of that is me being a distancer and being independent and not wanting to let him get too close. Which I'm working hard to change, but again it's hard because I don't feel like I can trust dh yet.
What I need: to have some honest conversations with dh without either of us walking on eggshells. I walked on eggshells round him for years, and now he says that's how he feels. Ironic. I don't really know how to get the safety back in our relationship, but I can start by being vulnerable and honest but not over-emotional. Then it's up to him. We're going out to dinner as a family on Thursday night for ds1's birthday, then we are spending Good Friday to Easter Monday together. I don't know how that will play out. We both need some new ways of being with each other and to take down some of the walls. I hope he can step up and play his part. Anyway, I'm off to do my yoga and to work, and today we go back home. It's been a tiring holiday, I do wish in a way I hadn't asked dh along now. Maybe it's me that needs space as much as him...?
