Wife is having an affair and wants to separate

[sandi2]

I am going to refrain. I never contradict Sandi but there is no way I couldn't confront if it were me.

Well, thank you, Steve. But I think I might have been misunderstood.

People get the idea I don't support confrontation. I don't have a problem with it. I merely try to explain that confrontation, alone, doesn't change the situation. That's not to say the LBH shouldn't call the WW out on her affair. So many LBH's think once they approach the WW and tell her he knows about the OM, it will stop her dead in her tracks. I don't recall a confrontation stopping a WW once an affair had started.......not just by telling her what the LBH knows. She may confess, or she may announce she wants an immediate divorce. I remember several cases where the WW pretended to have ended things with OM, etc., but she had no intentions of working on her MR. This is what I wanted you (Vik) to realize. In other words, think it through carefully, and know that you are confronting her for the right reason.

Yes, you could have confronted her and told her you had not been deceived......if it would give you some sense of satisfaction. I didn't think it was a good idea to tell her to move a week earlier than she had already planned. IMO, it didn't make you look like a big strong man to tell her to get out a week before she had scheduled, b/c you've gone..... how long knowing about the OM and didn't say a word?

I will comment on the things you said, but I want to make it clear that I am not nit-picking. It's impossible to get everything said in the first few posts, so we usually reply to whatever the newcomer says.

IF I DO
- If I do confront her, then that would mean that the communication that has improved will again stall.

I'm not saying you are wrong. I'm simply asking a question. Other than something that regards the children or business, why are you worried if she doesn't want to communicate with you? I want you to understand something about a WW. As long as you play the role of her BFF, she will communicate. She may text you half to death......but you will discover it is always about "her". WW's are incredibly selfish. If she doesn't benefit some how, then she's not interested. She will communicate during her pity parties, or when she's mad, when she's bored, when she wants something, etc. But it seldom leads to place the LBH initially hoped. Therefore, give some thought about what you are wanting out of her communication, b/c she is not leaving in order to work on the MR. She has fired you as her H. So what do you have to talk about? I'm just asking.

- She may think as the affair is out in open, she may be pushed further towards her AP.

Are you saying that if you confront her, she'll think the affair is public, so it will push her closer to the OM? You can't control what she does. You have to make decisions based on what is best for you, and let her do the same. It's hard to let go of it, but you didn't have any control over her anyway.

- She if in any scenario, may want to come back in few months,will have resistance and guilt and shame, if she knows that I was aware of the affair going on.

This is the wrong type of thinking, IMHO. You would choose not to call her out on her cheating, b/c it might make her feel guilt and shame??? Are you willing to live with that secret, just so it won't cause resistance to her return? I believe stubborn pride is the biggest factor for resistance in the WW. If she returned, believing you knew nothing about her cheating behavior, she would likely continue to be untrustworthy throughout the M. The WW has to face truth/reality and consequences, and if you are lucky, she will be hit with a big dose of remorse & humility. It is very important to her recovery from waywardness to feel remorse for her deceit and infidelity (and that's just part of the work she'll need to do). Don't even think about taking her back under false pretenses.

- May intensify her feelings towards the AP

So what if it did? Things are going to get worse before they get better, so you make your decisions based on what is best for you. Let go of trying to control what she feels.

- The days we have left together (this week basically), will be awkward and I am not sure how to deal with it.

So what? (Learn to think, "So what".) It should be awkward for her once she's confronted with the truth.......however, it seldom has that affect on the WW. She feels justified and entitled. If you confront her with the truth, then just leave her alone. Don't continue to discuss the relationship. She needs to be left to wonder what you will do. Don't make any promises or threats. Once you confront, leave her alone. Don't fret about it, and don't try to carry on a conversation, except if necessary for the kids. Face your fear of awkwardness, Vik.

All in all.......I find none of these reasons sufficient in support of why you shouldn't confront. This is really a list of fears. ((hugs))

- IF I DON'T - If I don't confront her, then I will not have the peace of mind that I told her before she left that I was not deceived, but did not confront her earlier because I wanted our daughter to have as much family time as possible.

Not sure if I understand this statement. If confronting will give you peace of mind, then let that be on your list for pro-confrontation......period. It has nothing to do with controlling her. And, don't use your daughter as an excuse for not confronting your WW.

- There is a possibility that once she moves out and realizes that the fantasy world she was living in is different than the real world and may have second thoughts.

That possibility has absolutely nothing to do with you not confronting her. Again, you sound as if covering her secret will instigate her return, and it simply doesn't work that way with WW's. My question is why would you even want her coming home thinking you weren't any wiser to her deeds? Look, the WW has lost respect for her H. The fact that she believes she has outsmarted him, does not help. Every action the LBH takes needs to be seen as reflecting his inner strength.....b/c strength is the only thing the WW respects.

- If she believes that I am not aware of the affair, the road back is easier. Once she is back, definitely we will talk about the affair and recovery.

Oh me, oh me. I see fear and control in the statement above.......with some fantasy thrown in the mix. In one of my WW threads I explain the road back for the wayward W.......and it should not be too easy, b/c she needs to work for it. Otherwise, the likelihood of full recovery is not that great.

- Communication while she is living separately will be ok and may have opportunities to talk about stuff other than our daughter and may help rebuilding (maybe, but seems difficult).

Well, this is basically what you've previously said, so I will respond the same. Why do you want to talk about other stuff with a woman who chose another man over you? If she doesn't want you, do you think nice conversation will change her feelings? This is not the girl you married! She has changed. She doesn't respect you. Lack of respect is the backdrop of waywardness. I think you hope to persuade her to return home by being the nice guy.......and it's that nice-guy syndrome that caused her to disrespect you in the first place.

I hope you can take my frank way of speaking. I am not intentionally trying to give you more pain. I want to help you, and I suspect you will need to read a little book called, No More Mr. Nice Guy. There is a commonality with WW's. They seem to be married to men who have the NGS. It's an interesting observation.

i guess the fear of losing her is gripping my rational thinking and I really want to do what works and not what i feel will work.

Yes, your fear is overtaking you. ((hugs))

I just have this week to have this conversation and I want to do it as soon as possible.

The above statement is an example of your fear talking. You said you just have this week to have the conversation. IMHO, that implies you believe the confrontation is suppose to prevent your WW leaving. I have tried to explain how it won't control what she does or how she feels. You can confront her with the truth and let her know she has not made a fool of you. You can do it for your own personal satisfaction......but don't have expectations of it affecting her decisions or feelings. Don't plan to have a long relationship conversation, b/c you will say too much. You can't believe what she says anyway. Not at this point.