Keeping the faith ... finding me (Part 4)

[Adam04]

Hi FS,

Thanks for chiming in on my sitch.

I saw that you were in the process of emailing that FS-style letter and got pretty good advice from everyone about it. I had my own opinions and decided to wait to comment(I really didn't want to influence you into doing something you were not ready to do as in confronting your H in person, although I think it was the better thing to do). Seeing as you had the discussion, I want you to know I am happy for you to have set your boundaries in person rather than email. I think many here are/were weak at setting boundaries, which plays its part in this downward spiral we're in. There are some posts from some of the vets around here about that, when to say things in person opposed to texts or emails. We need to be aware of how we come across and our stance. Does this help or hurt, right? It's about respect. Short, concise, in person, and keep it going. You told him, he blah blah blah'd and you took action to disable the camera and then will be changing the lock. I respect that and although he won't like it, he'll respect that. You are not hiding behind a perfectly crafted piece of writing he may or may not respond to well. As others mentioned, people who are uninterested will not appreciate the time and energy spent in considering their feelings in a letter. I guess pending on the person, no matter how well written something is, they'll still find fault in it.

I was also going to say next time he yells at you, you kick him out your house, but I mean to say I hope in time you find the courage to stand up for yourself and drop the fear if/when he does decide to think its right to yell at you.

I know what you mean about the fear. I read a comment from AS to someone else about being careful of what we say to the WAS because they can use that against us. It's like being the one to file for D, allowing the WAS to say they wanted to try and work it out but we didn't want to so filed. In my sitch, you may have recently seen how my W is twisting my words against me, saying because I am moving on its too bad because she now wants to work it out. I let it go at first. Then I made a comment to try and stop that bleeding. I called her bluff, told her I didn't think it was right for her to keep saying that to my face when everything else suggested otherwise. Thing is, the help will be for her... not me. Anyways, this isn't about me but just saying I can relate. W can say I was the one who pushed her away, she is a cheater and liar so what else is new right? She has most likely told people many things about me untrue so what is 1 more lie? Don't sweat it, don't fall for it.


And FS, the thing about OW... you say what kind of woman would spend 25% time with a man? My W stays home almost 90% of the time. She seldomly goes out with other people from work with the off chance this could be OM. Her time to be with OM is at work, juggling that when she works with now 3 relatives, one being an older brother of hers. So she is dealing with a man who is spending less time with her and giving up her family life for that. Does any of this matter though? No. You mentioned to me that I have to be certain there is no longer OM. Between W and I, I think we are far from there. You said you would be spinning if there was a relationship and you opted not to think about it. As much as I want to say we should be doing the same thing regardless of what they are doing, I know this isn't always the case. We are still reactionary. Like those with a very overt cheating Spouse are the ones who detach faster and in full force, this is in itself reactionary. Even being soft and allowing things to happen because we aren't fully exposed to how bad things are with their dealings, its reactionary. I guess maybe I should say a natural response.

You're moving on, don't be afraid to show your H that.