So I have been picking up the pieces since Tuesday's discussion and actions with the W. We spoke again on Friday for a few hours and pretty much I was emotional. It was definitely against the dos and don'ts on the page here. She spoke to me about us, about the OM, etc which was not where I wanted to be.
So I had a camp out with my son that night through Saturday evening. I was away from her where these other father/son things are taking place. All the dads usually just drink themselves silly and the boys go and play. It was the first camp out that I went to where I was not drinking. It was awkward being the only dad just sober and not acting like a idiot. Anyways, most of the dads were pretty cool about not giving me a hard time about not drinking. It went well and I had some time to reflect while I was there.
I got back Saturday evening and the W came to me and said there was a show tonight, actually two shows (her OM is trying to do stand up comedy I guess). She said she was going to go but not spend the night there. She said that I wanted her to be honest with me. I asked her to talk and we went up to my bedroom.
I told her that I appreciate her being honest with me and then I paused. She said, "but..."
I told her that I had some time to reflect on things while I was away. I told her that we have no relationship right now other than being coparents. I will discuss anything with her that is about the children. If it doesn't have to do with the children then I will no longer being discussing those things with her. I told her that I don't want to talk her about the OM, her job, her day, etc. I told her she knows my condition(s).
She asked me about the apartment. (she has been sending me potential apartments she is looking at). I told her that I have already told her what I would be willing to do for the apartment (and it doesn't require anymore discussions). If she has questions or concerns about the apartment, she needs to talk to someone other than me about it.
I then told her that while she is on her journey to figure out what she wants, I will be taking my own journey. I need to work on myself and figure out if I want to continue this relationship in the future.
I ended the conversation with her after saying that and she promptly left for the evening (like right after the discussion). She seemed upset or at least startled. I did this conversation to grab some of the control back as she got all the control back from me when I snuggled and kissed her. I really needed it do this for me.
I hope I handled everything right in your eyes, Sandi. I am trying to gain back my self-respect and not be considered the gay friend or being friend zoned. I know she liked the communications between us and said she has noticed a major change in how I am communicating better and showing my feelings and emotions better.
This does feel counter-intuitive to eventually getting her to come back as I pull further away right after pulling away and then us talking more and such and then now doing it again. I guess I have to trust the process. She seems upset with me (just how she was acting on Sunday and then this morning). I was talking to my BIL and I told him that I don't act really cold around her but I act like she isn't there (if that makes sense). I try to ignore her as much as possible. He said that is ok because she is openly having an affair. It would be different if she was looking for space to work on herself but since she is openly having an affair, the dynamic is different. If it was just space to work on herself, then you could detach but still be pleasant, etc.
Now he didn't say be mean to her which I am not. I told him that if she says something to me like have a nice day or something like that, I would respond in kind. However, I will not tell her to have a nice day first or do something out of the ordinary to start a conversation first.
