I think part of the reason I feel sad is that I took the kids out this morning and we went to a place we've not been in several years, but which H and I spent a lot of time at when they were babies.
This kills all of us. After BD and for months after everything reminded me of H. Places we ate, parks we went to, movies we watched. Literally EVERYTHING. Then one day I sat down and realized that I have eaten at those places, or taken the children to that park many times without my H and never once sat there and thought "Oh, H and I used to come here". It is only sad because he left. It is only sad because I was sad. It is not the places, or the things, it is just the sadness. Deal with the sadness because, you were together a long time, and everything will have memories associated with him and everything will make you sad.
D12 ordered a chocolate milkshake .... H likes chocolate milkshakes ... oh, here comes the sadness again
Originally Posted by AlisonUK
I could just kick myself. I really could. He's always unbearable when he's tired and he'd obviously come home from work and had a couple of drinks and wasn't in the mood to be dealing with me. And he hates feeling like I am making emotional demands on him, and I basically phoned him and had a go at him for not texting me enough. I just had a very very very weak and sad moment tonight and I had been doing so well. I felt myself drifting away from him and it scared me, I guess. I've tried phoning him again to see if I can repair things and he's turned his phone off. I hate feeling so unnecessary and burdensome and disposable to him. I have been so strong and I've been working so hard on everything and all he sees is some needy, annoying, irritating person who he hates. When I go to him to be cherished or comforted or supported - all things he says he wants in our future - it seems to inspire such contempt in him.
You probably read my thread and think to yourself "What is she doing ??? She's driving herself insane whilst he merrily sits in his corner pulling strings and eating cake !!!"
I say the below knowing it is easier to give advice then to take advice.
Not only can you not fix him. He cannot fix you. He is wound up in his own [censored] to care about you. He throws you a bone when he feels that you're pulling away, but underneath he is still messed up and will be for a long time.
1. You cannot expect him to call or text you. H calls every night almost without fail. Sometimes he speaks to me, sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes I hear D9 say "do you want to speak to mummy ... ok then bye" and then she hangs up. This use to hurt like a MF. The reason it hurt is because I expected him to talk to want to talk me and when he didn't I put all sorts of motives behind it ("he can't stand to talk to me", "he didn't have time to talk to me" blah blah blah). All that mental torture for something I can't control. Stop expecting him to do anything for you. Nothing is for you. Everything right now is for him.
2. Stop expecting him to fix you. {in his head} your emotional needs come way way after his emotional needs. Your H (right now) has the emotional capacity of a teenager. I have a pre-teen daughter. She is going through a lot of [censored] right now. When it first started, my H convinced himself it had nothing to do with him leaving. It was hormones, school, poor diet, me. This was one of his children, the children I know he would step in front of a moving vehicle to save, and he could not see our separation was hurting her. His emotional needs came before her emotional needs. This does not invalidate your feelings. Just like my H need to protect his ego did not invalidate my daughters feelings. Know only that the only one who can make you whole again right now is you.
Yail is right - you need to get out of the cycle of co-dependency. Do things for you. Become a better you. Yail is the champ at this. She has had minimal to NC with her W for 6 months. In that time she started a new course and even picked up knitting. I joined a gym, started doing yoga and meditating, I started pampering myself more and I made friends. Lots and lots of friends. It doesn't take the sadness completely away because neither Yail or I have truly let go yet, but does mean that amongst the sadness there is also laughter and lots of new memories (as well as a new killer body).
You will be a better person ...
Loss breeds appreciation. Grief breeds compassion.
When I was really sad, I found watching live comedy on Netflix helped a lot. I couldn't watch anything too deep (I lacked the focus) or too romantic (they just made me cry) but live comedy, well after a while, I found myself laughing at the TV.
