Alison: that’s exactly what my IC says, that dh’s lack of communication is in itself communication. Mainly of him being confused I think. When I said how insecure I feel that he keeps saying he doesn’t know if he wants to be married or not he said that actually he’s only said it twice. That’s true. The rest of the time I fill in the blanks, but I know I’m over optimistic so I realise what he doesn’t say is important. He did say he was nervous about coming on holiday with us, though he did also say he enjoyed most of it. But also that I ‘spoilt’ it by getting upset. That’s very Him of him to say, he can’t handle my negative emotions. Which is hilarious given all his negative emotions I’ve had to handle over the years...I did suggest he couldn’t handle me being upset, he did acknowledge that. He also kept saying that I was like a stranger. Well does he want a different marriage or not? The changing thing: last year dh was paradoxically both much more attentive but also distanced. For the first 6 months anyway, I thought our marriage was finally improving. He was much more affectionate and we even went to dinner for the first anniversary ever. Our 24th. Really, it’s taken me a long time to see rejection signs hasn’t it? Our sex life has mostly been ok, physically he has not been affectionate enough but with kids you get that anyway. Emotional intimacy: I’ve been as guilty as him I’m realising. So difficult to bare my soul in front of someone who has already rejected me and I don’t know whether to keep doing it, to hold myself back or somewhere in between. I’m also not sure he’s capable of reciprocating. So much uncertainty.
Try hard: this man is competitive to the max. I don’t want to manipulate him though. And I don’t feel ready to see other men yet. I do really need affection and sex though, so I might yet reach that point. I have a few platonic male friends anyway but again I don’t want to be fake about this.
I have 2 more days of holiday with the kids, we will have fun. I feel bad about melting down in front of them. Ds1 was very nice then and this evening, he’s so sweet but I can’t expose him to my pain too much. Tomorrow I will be stronger for them.
