Just journalling. A sad day today. I don't know why, not really. I had a nice morning with the kids: Eldest and Youngest getting along and I am really seeing the benefit of the new boundaries and parenting methods that we put in place together after the session with the family therapist. I'm feeling a bit bored - away from work and doing all the childcare has never suited me - but it's just these two weeks and then things will be a bit more normal. It's also hard to really settle to anything like a book or a film with both kids under my feet and the new puppy - but I knew it would be like this and most of the time it is fun.
No contact from H today. I know he's at work. I also know he has breaks and would be able to contact me by text if he wanted to. I also know I tend to, with my neediness, read a lot into his lack of contact - and he's told me already he's stressed, anxious and exhausted and needs to focus entirely on his work. I feel sad. Forgotten about. And usually in these moments I'd be reaching out to him and wanting reassurance. And he'd either give it, which would tide me over for a few days until the doubt started to creep in again, then I'd be back asking for more, like an addict, or resenting him for not offering care and attention and validation freely, because he wanted to. It was so so so dysfunctional. And I am still in that space, but just trying to sit with it and not go to him or read anything into him not coming to me over and above what he's already said. I am trying to accept that he's been very clear about what his position is, and I am very clear in myself that I don't fully believe him, and don't know what my own position is, and nothing he can say or do right now will make a difference to that. It will take time and growth as an individual on my part.
I think part of the reason I feel sad is that I took the kids out this morning and we went to a place we've not been in several years, but which H and I spent a lot of time at when they were babies. I remember us pushing prams around that place. Of course the rose-tinted spectacles will be at play, and a bit of self pity and tiredness too - but it just felt so sad that a couple - a little family - has totally exploded and there's not a single thing I can do about it. I shed a few tears on the way back, but other than that I've been okay and stuck to my GAL and DB plan. Not contacting him for reassurance is a 180. I am trying to drop the rope and detach as well as I can.
