Thank you FS. You've given me so much to think about.
I wanted him to leave before he did. I was utterly miserable. So miserable I didn't really see the ways in which I was making myself unhappy, and helping to trigger some of his behaviour. Not that I was responsible for his verbal and emotional abuse - only that I was no saint, and neither of us were really functioning as adults or able to be happy. I think I was incredibly emotionally dependent and needy and I still am in some respects. I need to work on that before I consider a R with him or anyone else. There's things I'd expect and need him to work on before trying again, and the first of these would be for him to communicate what is going on with him without blaming me. I see tiny signs of that - now and again. When I see it I don't think 'oh, he's changing' but 'oh, there's the man I chose all those years ago,' so it isn't like I am asking for him to be someone entirely different. We got into such a bad dynamic. Nobody's needs getting met, each blaming the other and acting progressively more like a child. I don't think we had any choice but to separate. It was awful. I was so sad - but now I am not. I am sure I will be again. But the last few days, and today, I've started to feel calmer and happy.
In terms of those two questions you mention - am I in? is he in? - where we are today is that H seems to be saying, pretty consistently, 'I am all in, but not right now - give me six weeks' and I am saying 'I am not sure if I am all in or not. Let me see what you have to put on the table.' I guess time needs to pass and I need to be clearer. Both of us have conditions on our answers - him because of his work, mine because I need to see him commit before I can. I think we're both going to have to move - he's going to have to make time to work on things and put the MR first for a while - without neglecting his own needs as an individual - and I am going to have to take a risk and accept that it is a risk and there's nothing he can do to take that risk away. I'm not there yet - I'm really not. I want to trust him or at least be willing to take that leap - but today I am not willing.
I look back and I see how dysfunctional - in places - our relationship always was. But you know, we were young when we met. I think most of the dysfunction came from a place of immaturity rather than malice or out and out toxicity. Nobody has done anything truly unforgivable in my eyes, and I don't feel angry at him today. I am concentrating on growing up a bit, because I want to - though it's also a process of disillusionment about who I am, who he is, and what marriage is and might be. Maybe we will come through this to a more mature marriage. Maybe not. But I am never, ever going back so whatever lies ahead feels better than the past and that feels good today.
