piecing or cake eating thread 3

[FlySolo]

I am not sure it is healthy for me or the chances of possible R if I am the one doing all the chasing right now. I really need to get a handle on pursuit. If we are going to R then I want to be able to feel that it was something he wanted and worked towards, rather than just something he succumbed to.

I stopped pursuing a long time ago (but my sitch was different then - he was treating me like [censored] and detachment was a means of self preservation) but even then, he knew I was still waiting for him. As someone here once said, "they know, they can smell it". The best thing you can do is carry yourself with as much grace and dignity as you can muster. Be friendly but don't give him more than he gives you. In the meantime carry on working on yourself. IC is good but you have to also GAL.

The other thing I did was make sure I always looked amazing when he saw me. Not over the top amazing, I just made a little more effort. At first, this was to get him to notice me, but now I do it because it is who I am . Not just a mum, not just a wife, I am all those things, but I am also FS, a beautiful and extremely capable, woman.

Weirdly, when he comes to drop the children off in the evening I am often bare faced and in my PJ's. I no longer feel the need to impress him.

I have GAL plans for today - seeing my friends this morning, with Eldest looking after Youngest. Eldest out this afternoon, and Youngest and me out to the park with the dog. I'm glad to be seeing my friends - it's been lovely to focus on the kids these past few days, but I am in need of some adult company and conversation. My mind is full of the EA this morning.

Firstly, all of us here who are parents will tell you that the best thing to come out of this is we rediscover the joy of spending time with our kids. I don't know if it is because we find a new sense of meaning in the word 'family', or because we have more time to energize when they are with our spouses, or because we just miss them when they are away, but whatever it is, it is wonderful. It takes time. At first we are all so caught up in our PAIN that this becomes our sole focus, but once we start to heal, we all appreciate the time with our children. Enjoy your kids.

My mind is full of the EA this morning. I am not sure what has triggered it - other than the bit of distance I am having from H at the moment. No phone calls and texts and my mind often drifts towards the time when I saw him enthusiastically pursue someone else.

This will pass. Once you learn to calm your mind, then the tunnels will evaporate. There is nothing you can do about what happened in the past or what he may be doing or not doing now. Chances are (and I am sorry for saying this), he is working out if the grass is actually greener, and in order to do that, he will have to take a walk on the grass. But the grass is never greener. He has to discover this for himself. There is no timeline for doing that, and even when he discovers the grass isn't greener, he may be too proud to come home or you may have discovered you like who you have become and no longer want/need him in your life. Build a life. Make it a wonderful life for yourself and your children. You never know, he might see how full your life is and want to join in.

But I am curious what state I need to be in myself before I am ready to seriously embark on R and piecing with him. Does anyone have any experience about that or insight to share?

I have little experience with piecing. But I will say I think you have to have finished your own journey. There is so much devastation when they leave (and I am not saying that in anger) that we are all so desperate to save our marriages we don't take the time to ask ourselves if our marriages were worth fighting for. My H burnt all our happy memories during MC. Our reasons for getting together in the first place, our getting engaged, our wedding, the birth of our children. He said we had never been happy. Cherry picking to justify his desire to escape. But they are not the only ones who cherry pick. We do too. We pick the happy memories. We think about the anniversary cards, and the surprise dinners and the birthday presents and we scream "BUT WE WERE IN LOVE". It is only after, when we truly look at ourselves and our marriages we realise it was neither a bed of roses or a bed of thorns. You have to go finish your journey and know that you are OK with or without him. You have to be in a place where you are no longer trying to win him back, a place where you can look at your marriage honestly and then say "do I want him back?", "have we changed enough to fix what was wrong?", "are we both in a place where we are willing to do the work?", and lastly "Do I trust him enough to jump in with both feet". Love is a leap of faith. If you aren't all in then there is no point. Ask yourself if you are all in. Then ask yourself if your H is. Until you can say yes to both questions, then proceed with caution, you can work on R, but also keep some of yourself for you. Keep GAL'g and maintain your 180's.

I would tell you to state and maintain your boundaries ... but we all know that would make me a hypocrite

FS




BTW - He destroyed all my memories in the figurative sense. I retaliated by destroying all the photos associated with those memories. He knows what he did. I know what I did. We both feel guilt and shame.

We can all be led astray by our emotions. Don't beat yourself up when you fall down. Just get back up and keep going.