Feeling lost getting over it and maybe not caring

[Turbine]

I have three pictures next to my bed... my bed... that came so easily when it really is or was our bed... but I digress.
All three are wallet size pictures. A wedding picture. A portrait of both of us and one of her wearing a lacy one piece see through. All are from years ago. I look at them now and the ache is less. Still there. I still love her. But I am even more saddened by not feeling it as much right now. I ... I feel wrong about this.

I can imagine what some of you will reply with. Turbine, you are healing and moving toward a better future. You are getting stronger. Am I right?

It doesn't feel right.

So, God, is this part of the reforging you are doing? Will I still recognize me in the new me? What parts are being discarded? I am certain the parts that aren't needed for what is next. Just what is that anyway? I know... I have to wait and when You are done preparing me through all of this process, You will reveal it to me. At that point I will be happy and understand why all of this happened.

God, I would like it to be with Mrs. Turbine, if this is what is in store. I guess I am still not ready since I haven't let that desired end go. I do know I want her to be safe. I'd like it if she had a better relationship with our children and grandchildren. The youngest turned 10 months yesterday and still no visit by her. I had asked and she responded by asking for the money to make the trip. If we weren't one this path... well we are so she will do this without me.

I was talking with my minister yesterday. Right after crying and praying in Your house. I learned some stuff about him I wasn't aware of. Widower, second wife, more kids. I can only imagine his journey.

Someday... I don't know when... maybe I will be able to share this without being overwhelmed... someday. Not likely today though.