Embracing my Inner Me in progress

[DnJ]

Hello Grace

It is very hard to let go. And the desire to find something that you could maybe fix, or explain, or help with, to wake him up is really engrained in us after such a long term relationship.

I’ll go cold turkey and see what happens.

That’s the way to do it.

There is a definite addiction and withdrawl from a long term relationship. This is no easy thing to “get over”. Your mind is craving what it once had, screaming for it. You need to fight it, and I mean “fight”. You are fighting your very mind.

Every stroll down memory lane, looking at pictures, snooping, etc... all pull you back. Cold turkey! Until you aren’t so attached or adicited.

It does take some time, and a whole lot of will power. Put an elastic band around your wrist, not tight don’t want you to cut off your circulation. Then everytime you want to snoop, snap that elastic band. That will provide some immediate feedback and conditioning, it will help with those desires to peek.

You do have weapons in this fight. Logic and reason will slowly overcome the emotional pull and will allow those feelings to flit away.


I like your reflection regarding forgiveness, and your desire to find it. Compassion and understanding are key.

You are correct you need to do it on your own, H cannot help you with it. His poor apologies understandably made you bitter.

So, something to consider. H cannot make you feel anything, no one can. You make you feel. You are in control. Really.

His half-assed apologizes touched a nevre, pushed a button, and you reinforced the feeling.

I need to realize the sincere apology will probably never come, unless he is able to open his heart to God, and His grace, love and mercy.

Yes, if H would only open his heart to the grace, love, and mercy - much would be different - for him.

What about you? Would that help you find forgiveness? Would an apology really make a difference?

I need to realize the sincere apology will probably may never come...

You don’t need an apology.

Forgiveness is for you. Absolutely! It frees you from vengeance, anger, hatred, it is such a shift in perception.

Open your heart to His grace, love, and mercy - much will be different - for you. (((Grace)))

I thought I had forgiven, but maybe not quite there yet.

No, there are a lot of layers to forgiveness. You are there. Read what you wrote.

Thoughts come and go, so does the forgiveness. Thoughts influence feelings. Forgiving thoughts create forgiving feelings. Forgiveness starts intellectually. Keep at it. Thoughts and feelings influence beliefs, values, convictions.

After a while, you don’t think you forgive, or feel forgiveness - You BELIEVE forgiveness. That doesn’t come and go, or flit away.

Beliefs, the spiritual car, it is thankfully slow to change. It influences and affects everything about you, nurture it well.

Mind over matter, right?

Yes, mind over matter. Our mind creates our reality. It is incredibly straightforward once you see it.

I’m not sure if it’s doubting myself. I think I just might be getting sick of the limbo. I want to plan, know the outcome. Get on with life.

Patience. Dig deep. Limbo can be a bit of a slog. However, you know your entire life is not on hold.


Oh my, the blame the H projected on to you to justify his affair. Blah, blah, blah indeed. And his threat about if you tell you will ruin his relationship with the kids. Whatever, his actions are doing that. Stick to the truth Grace. If kids ask direct question, you can answer directly. They are old enough and deserve the truth if they seek it.

How much have you discussed MLC with your kids? Explained the why Dad is behaving like he is?

No. Never mentioned it. I’m not even sure it is a MLC, in light of all his philandering throughout the years and lack of emotional intimacy. I suppose it could have morphed into an MLC. Maybe probably. How would I begin? Does it need a label? Is that helpful?

I worry that my D21 will go straight to H and tell him what I said. He’s I think burying his head in the sand about everything. He has Asperber’s, and doesn’t take change/disappointment too well. So, there’s that.

Advice on approach might be helpful. They never really ask me about H. I’ll see them next weekend, though. At least they have me, their rock.

I do see your point about S21, and you are probably right about him going to H, you do know your son after all.

It is interesting how every situation is similar and yet a bit different. My situation required explainations for the kids. The way Mom blew everything up and ran off; there were a lot of questions, a lot of discussion.

Your S21 and D19 are not asking about Dad. That may be ok. I am sure they have, or had, questions. Perhaps they already have answers.

My approach was to be honest and open. My kids, like your’s, are young adults and age appropriate doesn’t really limit things - appropriate is the direction for conversations. No demonizing, or backstabbing, or badmouthing, etc... kids are 50% from each parent. They already wonder if this is going to befall them too.

A label is helpful, and IMO needed. We all, children included, categorize and classify. The label MLC is accurate and better than cheater or worse. The term MLC brings a much needed explaination for the bizarre behaviour, brings understanding and compassion, allows one to see the sick person wracked in crisis, illustrates the crisis is only about the MLCer, alleviates the self blame (especially for teenagers and young adults), and gives a framework to find forgiveness for the MLCer and one’s self.

If your kids are not asking questions, I would just ensure they know they can ask you anything. That is also my answer to “How would I begin?”.

I’m not even sure it is a MLC...

WAS, MLC, or something else. The LBS path is pretty much the same at this point.

You know there is no clinical diagnostic testing for determining if it is MLC or not. The best diagnosis come from you, the LBS, the one who knows them best. You knew H, for years, and were completely shocked at what he has become. He has rewritten his past, don’t rewrite your’s.

Like most of my advice, find your beliefs. The uncertainty of thoughts and feelings towards - is it really MLC. Get to where you believe it is, where you are sure it is.

Quash your doubts. Have faith in MLC. Have faith in yourself.

Faith can move mountains, and doubt can create them.

Have faith.

DnJ