Kids are home this weekend so I’m in mom mode. They are such awesome little humans. They told me yesterday they have seen their dad’s new house and picked out their rooms. They also said he told them he is putting a tv in each of their rooms. WTF?!? Not something he would have agreed to before. Seems like maybe he is trying to buy their approval...or trying to ensure they never come out of their rooms. Not sure if I should talk to him about it or not. It is his home but we’ve talked about trying to lessen the time they spend in front of screens, not increase it. Frustrating.
Texted very little with Facebook guy yesterday. Just a few texts after work. Decided to give it a rest for awhile and meet other people to see if my feelings become more clear. He’s got some “issues” to work out, I think, and TBH, we probably aren’t a great match in a lot of ways. He is passionate about things that I like but would never become obsessed the way he seems to be... like he has something to prove and is trying to cheat death.
I have been talking on and off with the guy who fell “in love” with my profile. My sister thinks he is the best match for me. She read his profile and commented that it is something I could have written. He seems grounded, well-balanced, realistic but hopeful. He isn’t looking for a fairy tale or perfection or someone who “completes” him. A real guy looking for a real girl with good values and who likes to laugh. Long story short... we are going out for coffee on Friday - likely during my lunch hour or possibly after work. He has to meet some friends that evening at a resort about an hour away. They all have a memorial service to attend the next day for a guy that was killed in a car accident on his way to work.
Tomorrow I’m going across the line for a couple days with my sister. Got a couple free nights at a casino resort so we are taking advantage. Love and (((HUGS))) to all.
I haven’t chimed in for sometime; you have things well in hand and have lots of support.
As for Facebook Guy, maybe even others, tell him. Ask him. You can make the first move also if you want too. I know you are figuring out where your feelings are, perhaps he is as well. Don’t worry about you breaking the ice, stereotypical rules need not apply.
To change topics. TV’s in the kids’ rooms. I get it, not something H would have agreed to, or done, before.
There is little point in talking to him about it. For the most part what happens at his house, is his business, and not your concern. Obviously the safety and emotional well-being of your kids is paramount no matter where they are. Too much screen time, doesn’t make that list, so hands off for you.
What you can do is talk to your kids when they are with you. Ensure they understand why less screen time is important. That homework is important, getting outside, exercise, seeing friends, etc... are important, as well as watching TV or playing games (the screen time). Instill and inspire an attitude, a value, within your children regarding this and they will monitor their own time - both when with you or Dad.
I am sure the kids will still sit and watch more than you would like (almost guarantee that). However, you know what you can control. This falls under the “pick your battles” thinking, it just isn’t worth fighting over. If you speak with kids, let them control their time, demonstrate trust and openness, your kids and you will be much closer and further in sync when the real problems arise.
You are the stable parent, continue to be that. Keep building a solid foundation for them. At times it is difficult, aggravating, time consuming, and takes considerable effort and forethought; and yields huge and incredible dividends - stable, healthy, young adults.
A final thought for today, something I’ve been mulling over for a while.
Live, laugh, and love like you’ve never been hurt.
Nice words. Even nicer when you “really” understand them and put them into practice. It takes a fearless outlook and a soft and squishy heart. I believe you understand, and it looks like you are living it. (((DejaVu6)))
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
DnJ... when you eventually decide to venture out into the dating world, you are going to make some woman very, very happy. I saw on Grace’s thread that today is the first day of your divorce. (((HUGS))). I still feel like your W may one day come out of her fog. Maybe you will have another relationship, maybe not. If not, it is definitely your loss.
So I’m back in the States with my sister for a couple days of shopping and gambling. It is nice to take a break away from everything. OLD adventures continue...lol. Facebook guy and I are still in contact every day but it is much less than before. Honestly...I don’t think he is the right person for me as much as I enjoy his company. He texted me yesterday to take a look at some videos he had posted. There was a big wind storm yesterday and most people were riding it out in their homes. Not him...lol. He went down to a local lake where the wind was really strong and decided to climb a tree to get a better view. He made the comment that the rain was really starting to come down and it might be a bit slippery climbing down. Never mind that he was by himself with only his dog to rescue him if he fell and hurt himself or got struck by lightening...lol. He is a different kind of guy and lots of fun but his inability to sit still and just “be” would get old eventually, I think. For now, I feel that we will be friends, maybe for a long time. Whether we will ever be anything more than that, only time will tell. However, pretty sure now is not the time. Regardless, I am glad I met him and that he is a part of my life.
I have a coffee date with the guy my sister thinks is a good match for me. He texts me every day too and I think is super hopeful that we will end up dating. He has been single for 12 years and says he has dated some but doesn’t want to settle and has been waiting for someone that he “clicks with”. He works out of province two weeks and then is home for two weeks and has been keeping this schedule for seven years. He lives about two hours away from me when he is on the Island so it’s not exactly ideal.
Ultimately, it would be nice to date someone who lives in my community but up until yesterday, I haven’t really seen anyone online who is appealing. Yesterday I saw someone’s profile who has recently moved to my town from another province. He’s three years younger than me, doesn’t have any kids and is really cute...lol. I saw that he had viewed my profile but hadn’t sent me a message. His profile said he can be pretty shy at first so I decided just to sent him a “welcome to the community” message and he got back to me this morning to thank me for saying “hi” and that he liked my profile. I told him I was heading out of town for a couple days so he said he would talk to me when I got back. So that’s two potential dates this week. . Also texted with my 38 year-old “boy toy” today. He and I chat every other day. We are definitely going to meet at some point...if only just to put a face to the name and share some laughs. I really do think he is too young for me even if he doesn’t.
My sister and I ran into a group of women from our community on the ferry this morning. Two of them are a year younger than us. They were both married before. One has remarried and the other has been living with her boyfriend for five years. They are both much, much happier than they were married to their original husbands. I realized during our conversation that I am in the same boat. I am so much happier. My ex and I were very much in love at one point and I regret that we weren’t able to maintain it as I know it could have been different. But... it wasn’t and it isn’t... and I have accepted it and honestly wish him well. I am happy now and I know I will be okay in the end. I am standing on my own two feet... learning a lot about myself... meeting people and loving my life. I know I will fall in love again some day and I also know that I will be a better partner for having gone through all of this. It is so, so bizarre to me that I was such an emotional basket case four months ago. I am just not the same person anymore. I don’t think about my ex for 99% of my day and when he does cross my mind 1% of the time, it is just that. He crosses my mind and then he is gone again and I carry on with my day. I don’t get sad or angry or anything. Detachment is a glorious “non-feeling”.
“Live, laugh and love like you have never been hurt.” Thank you DnJ. I think you are right. I think I am doing the first two. The love part might take a bit longer... I don’t want to settle either... but I know that when/if I meet the right person, I will do that too.
Thank you DBers for all of your support and advice and 2 x 4’s when they were needed. You all hold a very special place in my heart. Love and (((HUGS))) to each and every one of you!!!
Great to hear about you living it up DV6! These are great updates!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Yikes... DnJ... just read what I wrote... not “your” loss...lol. Obviously... her loss.
I figured it was a typo. Lol.
You’ve done very well DV. I remember my emotional basket case days too, so happy those are behind me. I’m glad your’s are in your review mirror as well.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
“Live, laugh and love like you have never been hurt.” Thank you DnJ. I think you are right. I think I am doing the first two. The love part might take a bit longer... I don’t want to settle either... but I know that when/if I meet the right person, I will do that too.
The “love” isn’t just for that special person; and no don’t settle.
Love your kids, nature, yourself, friends, family, the night sky, your life. Love and see it all anew.
‘Like you have never been hurt” colours one’s outlook on everything.
I know you are a loving person. I know you are healing. Your heart is just catching up, and will take less longer than you think. (((DV)))
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you DnJ. I do feel like I am healing and TBH am much further along than I ever thought I would be at this point. I AM loving my life. I am having fun. I am spending time with my kids and making memories. I am meeting new people and making friends. I am present and no longer sad or wistful or regretful or lonely... and I was many of these things before I found out about my H’s double life. I’ve even exchanged some pleasant texts with my STBXH that were friendly and not all about the kids.
It feels good to be in this place. I have accepted my old life as I knew it is over and that’s okay... because it wasn’t a great life. I was waiting for him and I lost myself in the process. I am not waiting for anyone anymore. I am living my life for me and on my terms and getting to know me again. How amazing is it that the hardest experience of my life has been such a gift??
Anyway....bedtime for me... soooo tired from my weekend of R & R...lol. (((HUGS)))
My MIL and I went to my lawyer’s yesterday and signed the papers that officially make the home mine and hers - 50/50. She told me when we were sitting there that she will stay in this situation as long as it works for me and that if anything “exciting” (or anyone) ever happened where I would want to sell, she would be open to doing so as she would never want to hold me back from anything. See why I love her? She has been my rock and my kids could not have asked for a better grandmother.
I have a date tomorrow after work with the guy my sister thinks is perfect for me. I’m not sure I agree with her. A long distance relationship is not really ideal given how much of my time is spent working and looking after my kids. The local guy whose profile I saw last Saturday texted me today after work. A random psych question that made me laugh. He was somewhat disappointed when I guessed who he was after about four texts...lol. I told him it wasn’t hard since he is the only person I have given my number to in awhile. We chatted for a bit. He is funny and smart. I am hoping, since he is local, that we can meet before we spend too much time texting. It is always awkward when you spend a lot of time texting someone and then meet them and are not attracted to them the way you hoped you would be. It is especially awkward if one is attracted and the other is not. I kinda have a feeling that is what is going to happen when I meet this guy tomorrow. I hope if it does that he is the one not attracted. I am ambivalent about having a LD relationship regardless of attraction so I don’t think I would be too disappointed either way.
I still text with Facebook guy every day. We don’t chat nearly as much as we did before but it is still daily and I feel like we have become good friends. Maybe it will be more than that in the future but I don’t think anytime in the near future. As he likes to tell me... he is “in transition”. Whatever that means...lol. Still...it is fun to talk with him so I am going to keep talking to him with no expectations.
Should be a good weekend. No solid plans for Saturday but I will find something fun to do. Pool league play-offs all day Sunday. Always fun!!
Yay - the house is (sort of) yours . That is definitely cause to celebrate. Your MIL sounds like a rock star. Not that it matters, but your H sounds like he is isolating himself. What a fool.
'Transition' to me means a softer version of MLC ... if so, keep away. Let them go through that [censored] on their own time. Tell him to come back when he has finished transitioning and is now 'transitioned'.
