I am so sorry you find yourself here. You will find a community of people, who although from different backgrounds all have one thing in common. They care. They say grief brings with it compassion. The people here are testament to that. Many have long since moved on, or reconciled and still find the time to come here and offer support and advice to those of us still in the throes of it.
We can certainly offer perspective and advice. Take what resonates with you and know that all advice is offered with kindness and love. I will go back to your opening post ...
Originally Posted by HopeCA
I'’ve been getting mixed signals from him throughout, but every time I’ve brought up reconciliation, he says he wants a divorce
When you say mixed signals, are you referring to the coming around to see your daughter and spending 'family' time with the two of you? I went to see a healer the other day (I have discovered I am a hippy at heart) and we discussed the 'mixed' signals. She offered the following:
1. He wants to be nice. He cannot stand the thought of me not thinking he is nice. 2. He wants to put me in a box that says "mother" - this referred to the birthday presents, the Christmas presents and the mothers day presents. She pointed out he had not bought me a valentines or an anniversary present. He did not even acknowledge these. 3. He uses it as a way of controlling me.
I will throw in a final one ... he does not know what he wants and is making sure I am still in the same place he left me.
Originally Posted by HopeCA
I decided to be patient, and to get therapy and really “clean up my side of the street” as I very much want to stay married to him.
This is a good start. You are doing the internal work but you also need to get out of your head . Do you have any hobbies, any interests?. It is tough I know with a little one (I pretty much isolated myself when my kids were little), but him moving out gives you the opportunity to explore who you are, not as a wife, or as a mother. Instead of family time, how about some Hope time? Next time he has your daughter, make some plans. Join a meet up group, call a girlfriend and ask her if she wants to watch a movie or eat at some funky new restaurant, go and watch live comedy. At first it will feel terribly forced, you will feel guilty about not being with your family, but in time you will learn to enjoy being on your own. This is when you will really start to shine. When you remember who you are . Note: this is not about getting your H back. It is about getting you back.
Read Adam's posts about the 80/20 rule. He joins in family time about 20% of the time. The rest he spends with the kids (on his own), or doing his own thing. He goes to the gym, meets up with buddies or goes to dinner on his own. That's the other thing, you learn to like being on your own.
The other thing I would suggest is meditation. It helps with anxiety and also learning to let things go. I don't mean giving up on your M, but learning to quiet that voice in your head that worries about things you cannot control.
I know the talk of D has thrown you. It is not the end. The end is when you stand down. Just carry on as you have been, working on yourself and learning to enjoy life again. He will come back or he will not. That is up to him.
You've read bits of my thread. I make mistakes. Detaching is easy for me, GAL'g is easy for me. Boundaries I have problems with. I am working on that.
