Whirlwind of Hurt 7

[Twofeet]

Again18,

I would like to think you have a crystal ball and that what you are saying about her is true. However, I just don't know. It just seems like she has become very selfish, and somewhat unrecognizable. As I said there are other things she has done that I did not post about. They just make you go WTF who is this person? It reminds me of AS stories about how his XW was so unrecognizable, and however many years later her old self is finally showing back up. Anyway, as I have said before I will always be open to reconciliation with her, but I don't think its likely. She is not putting in the work, she has never put in the work, and I don't know if she ever will. She probably would have to hit rock bottom and I don't know if that will ever happen. If she does make the changes and she wants to recon then I would consider it at that time.

I also realize I mentioned XW and kids in the previous two posts, but I have not posted updates about myself.

I have been staying VERY busy.
Ski season is over, so I am doing hot yoga 3x a week and still lifting 3x a week. I need to add 3 more pounds to get up to my goal weight. Probably going to hit it in the next 1.5 to 2 months. After that I may consider going up to 195 lbs. I think I may start running for 30 min once a week for cardio as the weather has been really nice. I was plateauing there for a bit, but I slightly increased my food intake and have been working on my sleep.

Sleep habits are one of the things I have been falling behind on and need to keep working on. I was meditating daily using the headspace app, but that too is something that I have let fallen by the wayside. I need to be more disciplined about sleep and meditation. Other than those 2 items no real backsliding. I have been seeing IC still and it has been helping my emotional state, although I think I am seeing the sunset to IC. I am still grieving the loss of my MR. However, the time heals all wounds is proving to have truth to it. Emotionally I am getting better and better and healing from the bomb that my XW set off on BD. I am pretty detached, but never as detached as I think I am. This also reminds me of AS stories about him thinking how detached he was only to have something happen and realize he wasn't so detached. The health scare of my XW triggered that moment for me. After taking her to the hospital I have been really down, and just came out of it two days ago. Lots of dreams, memories, emotions, and tears in the shower or on the way to work. I haven't had that in a while, but the event was like ripping off a scab on a healing wound. Heck even LH says he is mostly detached, but still has his moments.

I am still going to church, kids are now looking forward to church when they are with me on those Sundays. They get to see X-MIL and sometimes X-SIL her husband and their kids. I am thankful that I have a decent relationship with the x-in laws. D8 has really been wanting to get involved, and I need to get her into catechism. At her age I think she should be receiving her first communion.

I have been reconnecting with old friends, some of them mine and some former friends of XW. I am building a solid group of guys that I hang out with and do guy stuff with. I still connect with some of my friends from the state we moved from. Going to go to a visit next month to see a few of my buddies. I am also hoping to go to Cali to visit a friend and his wife in late May or early June. A childhood friend of mine has brought me into her and her H group of friends as well. She has introduced me to a lot of her female friends, so it has been good to have a opportunity to work on the social dynamics with the opposite sex.

On the days when I don't have the kids and I actually don't have something going on I try to find something to do where I go out and socialize with strangers. They are usually places where socializing isn't a requirement, but if I want to talk to people I have to make an effort. It challenges me and makes me uncomfortable, which is why I do it. While I am introverted, I don't want to be stuck as an introvert shut in type of person.

Work is going really well this year. My side gig with consulting has only 3 clients. My goal is 5 for the year, and while I am not sure its going to happen I will stride for it. One client wanted me to take over her whole operation, but I am too new to my sitch to feel comfortable taking on that much of a role while figuring out my new work/life balance. I told her maybe next year. I am also going to spend this year researching all the info on another business I would like to get started in the next 1-3 years. This would be pretty risky so I really need to dot my i's and cross my t's.

I think for anyone who has read this far I just want to say D sux, and post-D sux in the beginning. Its going to take work, and it won't be easy, but if you put in the work it gets better. Like anything the more effort you put in it the better the results and the sooner those results occur. I am also not dating any women right now even though there has been interest from the fairer sex. After BD and self reflection there were issues I needed to correct. I don't think they were so terrible to cause the fallout of my MR. I still think that BD and D has more to do with XW than myself even though I do recognize what I could have done better. What I am saying is that I want the issues I am correcting and changes about myself that I am making to permanently stick. I am building a better me. To do that I think I need to focus on myself and my kids and not date. I saw a guy on youtube say chase excellence not women. I think that is a good idea for many guys on here.