Just had a realization today. I was running through all the trust issues, behaviors, pet peeve, actions, flip flopping etc of the W and I in my mind. What has bothered me the whole time we have been M. All the issues that have piled up from finances, behaviors, different POV, hurts, slights, offenses, I have owned with humility, and she has not excepted any of hers except for a few major things. And yes we have covered them pretty much with one another. I feel like I have lived with a hypocrite for years who refuses to see, own and acknowledge, and change some of the same behaviors I need to. Im probably one too... and wants to pull power plays on her terms and conditions for control of the situation, relationships, etc. (Maybe A part of me has done with this M as well, struggling for control while projecting.) She is a behavior specialist.
I know a part of me wants to be done, and a part of me wants to approach these issues very prudently, and very deliberately to see if the M can be salvaged from both sides. Because I sure as he'll am not going to do all the changing for her, but for myself. But I have no intentions of R or recommitting to M at this time, unless I am seeing the same amount of effort, action, and changes from her. Trust in a relationship is a give an take two way street, and I don't intend to bend over backwards making improvements on myself if my other half is going to attempt to do the same and half a$$ it.
That's when it all came together for me about the importance of GAL, 180's, detachment, NC, boundaries, validating, space, etc as a whole. People have said it here time and time again. I heard it, I just didn't internalize it. DBing is for YOU not them. Once YOU make those changes, YOU are in a position of power, to move forward either way. YOU get to decide if you want that person in your life still, instead of being rejected by their list of demands, YOU get to be ok no matter what, and YOU take the focus off of them, and put it on yourself, instead of trying to fix them, their perception, etc.
So I decided to look up the definition of PROJECTION, and man does it sum up the majority of the overall dysfunctional dynamics in my M. I am aware that I am doing it, and I don't think she is, and she's a behaviorist. All the things that she wouldn't change to make my life easier, that I chronically complain about, the dishes the, lack of organization in the household, the lethargicness, the lack of follow through, commitment, especially when it came to division of labor. Are the very same things I was doing myself but I was aware of it, and every time she would bring up something against me I would bring up something against her to compare it to. I've always said to her why cannot the behavior see her own behaviors? PROJECTION that is why.
