Boundaries are the most difficult thing - being able to act in your own and your children's best interests without the fear of anger or retaliation - which is a very justified fear in your case - is really really hard. I don't think I am anywhere near it myself, and I need to get there for my own development and for a good MR if that ever happens for me. Perhaps the session with the counsellor where he could see and hear that DD was really struggling with the separation and the limbo, and his own statement that he was never coming back - means that it is the right time for you to have private space in your home and he will be, perhaps, more receptive to it? He probably is going to be angry and retaliate, but if he really is losing you, then it is time for you not to care about that, and instead to care about the safe space you need to make for yourself and your children. Easier said than done, I know.
