DV - D12 has taken this really hard. But like her parents, she bottles it all up and pretends everything is OK, whether because she doesn't want to upset us, or because she has learned that stoic is the way to deal with things. In any case, having a safe environment to talk will hopefully allow her to work through some of her emotions. As an aside, that is what this community is to me, a safe environment to work through things. I suspect if I had not found it, I would have gone off the rails.
My entries are hard to read because it is the same thing over and over. For someone who feels deeply the way you do, who has come to care about me, well, you see me get knocked down, get back up, put the pieces together, only to be knocked down again ... well, you just want an end to the pain I am going through. I understand and I know. I feel the same reading other sitchs here.
I know dating would throw my H in a spin, but I don't know if it would jolt him into coming back. I suspect he would retaliate. He would rather burn it all down than lose. His response to my going out for a quick drink after work (on a night he had the girls) ... "I am going to look at alternative housing arrangements for [our dog]". In any case, I know I am not ready, and dating someone to make my H jealous is not something I feel is right. Dating was right for you. You were ready. You were not doing it to get a rise out of your STBXH but as part of project 'get my life back'.
In the same way reading my entries are hard for you, reading your entries are the highlight of my morning commute.
Alison - I think you re right - the time has come for boundaries. Like I said above, my H will retaliate and I need to come up with a way that minimizes that retaliation. I am thinking of writing an email (which I'll post here) around limiting access to the house. This I think does three things: allow me to take control of my environment, be less confusing for the children (and that's to DV's point above re D12 being confused about our status) and may make him realise that he is losing me. It limits his cake eating. It will need to be balanced, with lots of validation, and co-parenting statements so he doesn't feel under attack and focuses on the children - so it may take a while to construct.
Yorkie - I have not mind read too much (I think). It is impossible not to go there ... but I pull myself back. There has been a shift in my attitude in the last few weeks. I've finally got the balance between cold detached and just detached (I know, it's about f**g time). I can talk to him without worrying about what I am saying. I am even asking him questions about his life without us. Nothing intrusive. "How has you're weekend been?" - a normal question I would ask any work colleague on any Monday morning, but was too scared to ask my H six months ago for fear he thought I was prying. Funny, you use the quote from your grandfather. I was thinking the same thing yesterday - when I was composing the 'boundaries' email in my head.
I am still standing. I am trying to work out how to stand and still set boundaries. I am getting there I think.
BTW - your H was a f**wit. I think you had unconsciously stood down before you joined the forum - you just needed to know it rather than feel it.
Hope - I will catch up on your sitch today. Limbo [censored]. There is no two ways about it. But, if you change your mindset, it can also be time and space to heal. For now, find the small joys where you can. Find your voice again and learn to laugh again. This is what I did and still do.
Neff - thank you. I am so grateful for my girls. It has been tough for them but I think my H and I have guided them through as best we can. I think both of us have learned the importance of being present when we have them, because we both miss them so much when we don't. That is something, right?.
Expectations went out the window a long time ago. It is the small unexpected things that keep drawing me back. [Censored] men.
Thank you all for reading and piping in. I know I've been pretty rubbish lately with helping on your sitchs. Offering support on other threads has always helped calm me down so I will try and catch up on some of them today.
