lovely day yesterday. Special time with Eldest outside, and lunch out together, then out for a sunny evening walk in the next village before bed. No contact with H - it wasn't intentional on my part, I just forgot.
So nice to have that time, and bittersweet too - thinking about how in the past couple of years how many weekends and evenings were wasted in conflict or bad feeling with H, sulking or crying in my bedroom, or trying to have a conversation to 'resolve things' instead of just enjoying my life and my children. We had so little fun. A lot of that is on me - I was depressed and miserable and it made me selfish - and I never just took myself and the kids out and left him to his computer games and accepted that's what he'd rather do than be with his family - I was always expecting him to make our weekends something nice, then blaming him for not doing it. That is all on me. And I really never ever want to go back to the life I had with him. The fact is, I don't need to - and that makes me happy and sad.
I want to concentrate on making my life and the kids' life as lovely as it can be. I am curious if he will be able to join in with us and have something to offer that I want. Not expecting much today, and not dreading anything either. Just curious, but mainly feeling like my focus is elsewhere. There's still flashes of sadness, but mainly I feel calm and wondering what life has to offer next. He's working solidly twelve hour shifts over the next few days, so I and the kids won't see or hear from him, but I have been busy making plans for cool stuff to do with them.
I am also really pleased that he's agreed to be reasonable about my going away next month. I am going to organise back up childcare in case something changes either with his mood or his working pattern, but whatever happens, I am going. Am already putting some plans in place as to how I will spend the time. I want to spend a lot of time resting and reflecting on what I want my life to look like going forward, and how much of the burdens of my own past and the past of my M I want to let go of for good. I want to use the time to set myself some new goals. And work on some intensive puppy training!
Just journalling:
a good day yesterday too. Time with both kids, the puppy, good weather. Housework done. No contact with H. I'm not really sending those encouraging text messages any more, but other than once or twice, he wasn't sending his goodnight texts either. I'm not sure I want to be putting in more effort than I am getting back. He's been perfectly cordial when we have had contact, but I am not sure it is healthy for me or the chances of possible R if I am the one doing all the chasing right now. I really need to get a handle on pursuit. If we are going to R then I want to be able to feel that it was something he wanted and worked towards, rather than just something he succumbed to.
I have GAL plans for today - seeing my friends this morning, with Eldest looking after Youngest. Eldest out this afternoon, and Youngest and me out to the park with the dog. I'm glad to be seeing my friends - it's been lovely to focus on the kids these past few days, but I am in need of some adult company and conversation. My mind is full of the EA this morning. I am not sure what has triggered it - other than the bit of distance I am having from H at the moment. No phone calls and texts and my mind often drifts towards the time when I saw him enthusiastically pursue someone else. I am as clear as i can be that he isn't doing that now. I suppose these thoughts are about my own insecurity, and perhaps also demonstrating to me that there's more I need from him before I can R and what my needs in a relationship are.
There's a lot said on here about how we tell when the WAS is ready for piecing. I wonder where we LBS need to be before we know we're ready to piece ourselves? The situation perhaps is a little different in that I don't feel entirely like a LBS - I wanted him to leave and although he said he wanted to go, he also considers that I threw him out - so there's that. But I am curious what state I need to be in myself before I am ready to seriously embark on R and piecing with him. Does anyone have any experience about that or insight to share?
Last edited by Cadet; 04/24/1911:55 AM. Reason: combine posts
