Hard days are ahead for sure. This is like the 4th time I tried to update but every time I get on, something happens. Last time I didn't have enough time to finish this at work while on the iPhone. First time I journaled in bed on the ipad until I fell asleep with the kids. It started with me thinking I didn't have much going on or to say until I realized I had over 15 paragraphs with more wanting to come out. Much of it was recollection in no particular order over small things from the past week. I'll try to recap and summarize best I can.
First, got my apartment stuff taken care of. Did the walk through on the 8th, and will move all the furniture from here on the 16th. Will take some time to fully furnish and debating on which room to give the kids. bigger room will accommodate two twin beds but S6 might want to sleep in it and bigger room has the window that drops out to nowhere since we will be on second floor. The smaller room has a window that goes out to the walkway leading up to the front door in case there has to be an emergency. I know, trivial stuff. Definitely will put paintings up to cover this really ugly color on the walls I didn't pay much attention to in the beginning... I guess I had so much to think about when I was in the apartment that the color of the walls didn't matter at the time, but now it does... go figure.
Last couple of weeks, W and I have been teaching our S6 how to ride his bike without the training wheels. H's getting there and is practicing coasting down the driveway with his legs out to the sides for better balance. He was so proud to pedal for a few feet on his own. We all were so proud. He gets the biggest grins. I thought he might not have been too aware of the sitch with W and I until a night or two ago he said "Dad, I am really going to miss you." And I said, "What do you mean son?" He said, "At the new house." He is counting down the days and this morning he said 5 more days before the move. I told him I was going to miss him too and that I was going to probably see him more often than he thought. S11 explained to him I was going to have him every other week. He had that big grin again.
Regarding S6, he asks mom why did she marry me and asks me why did I marry her. We each tell him different things of what made us fall in love with each other. This kid is really smart. Sometimes he'll ask us to group hug or for me and mom to kiss and we have diverted much of the physical until a couple of nights ago. He asked us to kiss and W said okay. We both leaned in for one and kissed. At around this point she started to put him to bed in the MBR and fall asleep there. She'd eventually get up late at night and go back to the living room. One night she fell asleep in there with both boys and it was late with no room so I slept on the couch.
For a while, I have been eating out by myself on Fridays trying new places(except that one evening asking the female friend from work). W this past Friday asked if I wanted to do something with her and the kids and I told her I had plans already. I'm controlling asking her if she wants to go with me and the kids to eat and declining much of her invitations to go with her or her family. I have used the 8/2 rule going about twice out of every 10 times. Feelings are put on the backburner and I am enjoying myself with the kids and in her company. Being the best me I can.
A couple of nights when packing W mentioned something about us and wanting to try to work it out and that after this, she will want to see a professional for help to sort out her feelings. I said okay. One night, she listed about 10 things she noticed in me and said she wished I was like this before and that it was too late to work on it because I had decided to move on. I didn't say anything. I validated, sometimes being quiet, saying nothing. Other times, I said sorry, I know how hard that must have been for her to deal with things. Once she said I was a better partner, dad, she saw I had a life of my own, I was doing things for myself, with her and the kids, I was balancing my life out and this is who she wanted to be with and she was upset that its happening now and she doesn't have a chance to be with this guy. She was also afraid that this wasn't going to last. I said I can imagine how tough it is to deal with that uncertainty. I told her I know it [censored] to feel like you don't have a partner.
On Monday night, W said she had a SNAFU and tried to explain to me she needed me at the closing on her house on Tuesday the following day. I showed concern wondering what the papers were and asked for a copy of them. She said because Texas was a 50/50 state the lender said they needed me on closing. She started crying saying she would figure it out. I went to google and also divulged I had talked to a lawyer. We spoke to the realtor friend of ours who also spoke to a lawyer friend and they confirmed it wasn't part of any co-signing. They basically told W that it was part of acknowledgement that she is closing on the house. I told her I would go.
Tuesday morning she has to do the final walk through of the new house and says she will pick me up to drive out to close. I thought about people saying its probably best to drive separately. I told her no problem, we can drive together. So after her walk through she comes by and I drive us out there. We get there early and we start signing documents. It's documents stating I am on the deed. She starts to have this puzzled look and tells the closing agent maybe there was something wrong with the paperwork or the process. The lady says because Texas is a 50/50 state it was required for me to sign and that I didn't need to be on the loan app. When we were almost done signing, our realtor friend comes in. We chit chat and the other lady asks us if this is bittersweet because we started with the house as a married couple and here we are signing documents but going through a divorce. The lady said she wasn't an expert but knew that Texas didn't recognize legal separation so we both had to be there to sign together. Guess it took a minute for it to sink in with W. Not once had I shown or have any negative vibes or feelings.
After closing, W and I took our realtor friend out to brunch and she called her H to join us for drinks. We tried fried pig ears and had lunch, laughing at past stories. The H and I also tried different whiskies. I'm a cognac guy but I can drink anything. After lunch, W said her keys were ready and asked if we could drive out to the new house to pick them up from the sales office. We were closer by there anyways so I said yeah no problem.
We drive out and got there. She picked up the keys from the model home and the guy told her the builder also left her a gift inside the house. We drove to the house and she asked me in. At first I wasn't and then I said F it, I'm going in. The house was beautiful. The builders gave her some nice flowers, a nice Tiffany's vase and a small bag from Tiffany's. She opened it and it was a heart bracelet. She immediately said she was giving it to her niece. I commented everything is nice but I thought the heart charm bracelet was a little "weird." On the drive home we had a small discussion about it and I explained we were still married and I still had these boundaries about the marriage. She said she didn't think the bracelet was anything personal from anyone nor ever got a vibe from anyone. The way I wanted to handle it was expressing my views on my W receiving anything that could be misconstrued as a personal item of affection from anyone so long as she is still my W. She said she understood the boundary part. She brought up again that she wanted to work it out and that it sucked I had moved on. I told her I didn't think it was right that she keeps saying it's too bad now she wants to work it out after I made the comment about moving on and if she really wanted to work it out, she would be doing so. I asked her, before we divorce, if she wanted the help, could she look into it because it was out there, but I am not going back to what we had.
Then we got home... and we both had copies of the signed documents to the new house. We had small talk to break the ice. She went to the MBR closet to put away the papers, I had put away papers too and I leaned against the counter in the bathroom as she was walking out the closet and she stood there for a second looking at me. There was some friction in the air and I turned my open palm upward and outward and she walked towards me. At this point I embraced her with both arms and her face was very close to mine. We gazed into each other's eyes for a moment. Then I titled my head a small degree and she slowly leaned forward. We slowly kissed for what felt like eternity. First it was soft brushing of the lips to full on kissing with darting tongues from both of us. It felt like it had when we were teenagers. Several minutes into it she slowly pulled back and said she didn't want to get hurt again. I gazed into her eyes and said we don't have to do anything she didn't want to do. I said something like we're here for right now. No pressure about the future. She looked at me and pressed into me. We both continued the slow hot heavy kissing. My hands on the back of her thighs, pressing her into me. My kissing moved from her lips to her neck and kept going. My hands were exploring her body as if for the first time. She had an orgasm in the bathroom and afterwards she led me to the bedroom where we finished. We ended with small kissing on the lips and cleaned up. So apparently I got a little too heavy and put a pretty big passion mark on her neck. She didn't comment or say anything about it. Kinda laughed.
She later asked me, "did you just use me for sex?" I asked her back, "Did you?" She said no, I said well there is your answer too. And we both smiled and laughed. Later we picked up the kids and went out to eat with her siblings because they were also coming to spend the night. She had to text them about her neck to give them a heads up.
So from Wednesday W has been on vacation with her sisters to scout this destination wedding location for her older sister for next year. Since sex, W has been a little different like kinder and affectionate with touches.
Few things for me. When I was a teenager, I've had goodbye sex with a few girls before. This could very well be that. I am not putting any expectations on it. I enjoyed it and left it to the moment. I didn't go strapped, which is my bad but I don't carry condoms expecting sex like that.
W has been facetiming the kids and we talked earlier today. She laughed at my corny jokes when she called early in the morning before work. Said she wanted to speak to the kids.
I was watching a video about for the guy gaining back respect is not always about going full no contact and for the man this ever really works because how the woman perceives it. The man has to take the opportunities to show the woman. I agree there is no faking this. I am taking it day by day trying to make the best informed decisions I can at the time and dealing with the consequences.
It's too early for me to get too analytical about it. Feels like a big grey area where thawing can be cake-eating. She is nowhere remorseful and to recon, that's what I am expecting. I don't have any expectations however at this point. Deep down, I am hoping she gets some help for a start...
Your thoughts?
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
