Last attempt. OrangeK v.2

[OrangeK]

pretty dramatic low point today. the mutual dissolving of the relationship between Mary and I has degraded into scorned and getting ghosted. I feel like I'm cursed, like I'm broken and unlovable. I suppose that's what I get for jumping into things too early and falling for a girl 10 years younger than me. Additionally it really makes me wonder Why I am always so desperate to have someone in my life. every serious relationship I've ever been in, 4 that I can think of, have all ended in a similar fashion. This isn't going all the way back to high school for crying out loud. way back in 2010 when I dealt with my first really bad breakup, and then subsequently spent the next three years either dating around randomly or wallowing in self-pity for being alone. Then I met ex-wife. I had never fallen in love so fast or so hard, I now know that that was designed that way by her to cultivate an addiction to her and make me easier to manipulate. The fact of the matter is that I trusted and loved her so completely and immensely that when she finally showed her true colors and did to me what she's done to every guy she's ever been with, it literally almost killed me. Then I spent the last year-and-a-half digging myself out of the hole both emotionally and financially. When I finally met somebody that I felt compatible with, yet again everything felt amazing in the beginning and then here we are 8 months later and yet another woman has broken my heart and left me with more questions than closure. I'm seriously beginning to feel cursed or fundamentally flawed and unlovable. moreover I'm scared shittless then I'm going to literally spend the rest of my life overworked tired and alone. I've reached that age where most of my friends are busy with their own families. on the days I have S4 I feel exhausted and inadequate, on the days that I don't have him I am crippled by depression and loneliness. I think it speaks deafening volumes that anytime time throughout a given week, the only time I feel legitimately happy and content is when I'm at game night with my friends pretending to live in a different plane of existence. right now it's very much feels like life [censored] and then you die. all I wanted was to spend the rest of my life with my family and the woman I married. when in reality it feels like I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone, tired frustrated, hated, and forgotten. sorry to get all Negative Nancy on you guys.