Embracing my Inner Me in progress

[Grace21]

I ask myself why I feel so compelled to snoop. First, I think I’m just addicted to it. I need to detox and go cold turkey. Also, I am a fixer, and with that comes control. So, perhaps subconsciously I think that if I “find” something, I’ll be able to do something about it. But, that is wrong thinking. I don’t, and probably will never, do anything about the information I gathered. *sigh* I’ll go cold turkey and see what happens.

There is already lots to overcome and you don’t need to add to the pile.

Truth. I know so much about Hs history now, while being married to me. It’s amazing to me I’m not trying to ruin him right now, or hate him. I’m doing neither. I’m hurt, and maybe even incredulous. How can anyone do that? What’s the point of piling on more things to deal with or forgive. It just hurts me, and why would I want to do that to myself? Something to ponder.

I totally understand the uncertainty you face, and the unknowingness of it. Do you want to be able to get over it, move pass it, forgive it? I believe you do.

I do want this, very, very much. I have to realize that I need to do this on my own. That H can’t help me with it. I want a sincere, heartfelt apology for all the wrongs throughout the years. And not laden with his “reasons” or excuses. The few times he did apologize they were laden with “reasons” and excuses, always related to not getting what he needed from me. I’m a bit bitter about that, I won’t lie.

I need to realize the sincere apology will probably never come, unless he is able to open his heart to God, and His grace, love and mercy.

I know I can overcome this. That’s the ticket. Don’t doubt yourself, I certainly don’t doubt you.

Mind over matter, right? I’m not sure if it’s doubting myself. I think I just might be getting sick of the limbo. I want to plan, know the outcome. Get on with life. But, I also realize I can get on with life and still be married, if only just on paper (maybe especially if it’s only on paper). This is what I need to remind myself of.

I’ve got to get out of this funk. As soon as I have 2 or 3 or a week worth of good days, I backtrack and obsess, feel sorry for myself. May that’s the time to call the kids, my sister, a friend. Just to chit chat. Remind myself of all the people in my life that I’m close to.

I WILL overcome.

I WILL accept what cannot be changed and what I have no control over.

I thought I had forgiven, but maybe not quite there yet. I WILL find a place of forgiveness, with God’s help.

I would not share with H what daughter said. I agree with you, let things unfold on their own. H cannot handle any blame, especially from you. He would probably just end up blaming the children, blaming you, and getting mad about the whole thing.

So true. When I found out about H hooking up with OW again, he blamed ME. It sounds so stupid repeating it now. I threw him out (didn’t), and showed no concern over his health, so he reached out to her. Blah, blah, blah. He also said that I would be the one to ruin his relationship with the kids if I told them about OW (I only said I would IF he moved in with her). And that I wouldn’t lie to the kids about where he was living. So, I will stay out of his relationship with the kids completely.

How much have you discussed MLC with your kids? Explained the why Dad is behaving like he is?

No. Never mentioned it. I’m not even sure it is a MLC, in light of all his philandering throughout the years and lack of emotional intimacy. I suppose it could have morphed into an MLC. Maybe probably. How would I begin? Does it need a label? Is that helpful?

I worry that my D21 will go straight to H and tell him what I said. He’s I think burying his head in the sand about everything. He has Asperber’s, and doesn’t take change/disappointment too well. So, there’s that.

Advice on approach might be helpful. They never really ask me about H. I’ll see them next weekend, though. At least they have me, their rock.

Time and space. H needs it. He will reach out when he is able to. Have faith. Have hope.

I’ll try DnJ. Thanks.