No more denial, time to get to work

[MRay]

I thought I'd journal a bit since it's been awhile. My new house is supposed to be finished next month, and I have a move in date! This is all very exciting, but is causing some stress. That along with preparing my taxes and dealing with some credit card fraud has made this a long couple weeks. My GAL is continuing. I've gathered a rather varied group of friends recently that I do many things with. I'm still working out like a madman, and I've read more recently than I have in years. I took my kids to a really fun event last weekend and they keep telling me I'm the best daddy ever, which just melts my heart.

While out and about I've run into a few of my old coworkers and students and had some fun conversations with them. They just can't stay away from the topic of STBXW though since they always knew us as a close couple. Apparently everybody at their work, including their students, know about them as a couple but they refuse to acknowledge it. A couple of old students I ran into went to school with OM and had all bad things to say about him and compliments for me. A similar thing happened with an old coworker that also taught STBXW and OM. She said something to the affect of there's no way it will last, she'll eat him alive, and I should feel sorry for the guy. I just try to take it graciously and change the subject.

I'm not ready for a serious relationship because I'm not over STBXW, but I am dating. I'm open and honest with my situation and intentions as I don't want to hurt anybody with expectations of something I can't give them. Being a college professor makes this difficult because as soon as the semester is over I get students running into me and hitting on me. It's very flattering, especially the girl in her early 20's saying my arms distracted her in class, but that's a line I'm extremely hesitant to cross. Tempting, but not a reputation I need to foster.

Speaking of not being over STBXW, I've recently cycled back to missing her. I actually broke down at the dinner table last night for a brief moment. I think it's all the stress I've been under this week. I can't help but notice little things and link them to her missing me. I know this is bad, and I try not to, but it happens. Things like seeing that she watched a movie on demand (we still have a shared account to save money) that we went to for our third date. It was such a bad movie, and I know she hadn't watched it since 2002. Things like that and her never seeming to want me to leave when I pick up the kids. We had our first one on one interaction without the kids around in months a few days ago. I had to go over there to pick up my new credit card (dealing with the fraud case, and I don't want to update my mailing address until I move into my house). She knew I was coming. I expected to knock on the door, her to hand me the envelope, and I'd go. Instead she waved me into the house and took her sweet time getting my mail, and we fell into a natural, fun conversation. My fault I know.

The thing I am struggling with and would like any advice or viewpoints people have to offer is being myself. Months ago I've found myself and am me around everybody except STBXW. She's starting to find herself as well, though she's definitely working through some issues still, and when we are both acting natural it's just so clear that the chemistry and compatibility is still there. That's not good for me. It tends to begin a cycle back to missing her, so I guard myself around her. But I struggle at the same time thinking I should just be myself around everybody and not worry about what that leads to. I'm able to move past it fairly quickly at this point, so I feel I should just be my happy, open, awesome self all the time and deal with what that leads to when it comes up. I'm just not sure if I should try to keep my guard up, just be myself and damn the consequences, or put up new boundaries to limit our interactions to help me move on faster.