Nothing to jump for joy about, but its a start on the right direction. I decided to make myself a little vulnerable this morning after a text from the W regarding the house sale. Please review text and advise if I handled it ok, and any room for improvement or critique is welcome.
W: I contacted the realtor about seeing the house. Can you be available next Sunday to meet with her? Me: What time? W: I haven't set a time yet W: She is available this weekend but I want to clean first. Me:Ok. I really don't want to do this, but i guess im going to have to. Are you sure this is what you want? Are you sure we can't discuss our trust issues, and work things out? W: I thought you said to go ahead with the realtor? Me: Ok. I will make myself available Saturday afternoon and work on the yard, and probably patching the basement wall. Me: I did say go ahead with the realtor. Because I'm facing the inevitable realisticly. But its not what I want. I don't want to sell the house I have to. I don't want to go down this road with you, but because I have to. Me: Lets start with the realtor appointment. Couldn't hurt to get an assessment for now. We can discuss things tonight if you are willing? W: I'm not ready for a divorce, I've told you numerous times that I want to separate because I need space to work things out... you've insisted on jumping straight to a divorce Because you dont want to wait. If it's all or nothing and you're not willing to give me time, then you'll do what you have to. Either way, I need to be done with the mortgage so I can pay off debt and have the ability to work from home. W:If you want to stay in the house, but me out. But again... I need you to make a decision and stick with it. I need action and follow through, no more flip flopping. Me: Yeah i know you have been pretty consistent, and understand the financial and career transition for your health, well being, and happiness.
Its not about the house, its about broken trust. I'm willing. Although I am going to miss a lot of the freedoms, and not so much of the upkeep, its just a house. Its just a mortgage. I'm being forced to sell OUR HOME with no incentives from you torwards future other than "lets wait and see how this plays out" "I need time and space"
I get that too, and understand that and why. Im willing to blindly trust you and the process, this way we can both make a clear headed non emotional decision on what WE are and what WE are not going forward. But these trust issues need to be resolved.
W: We both have trust issues with one another, I dont know if I can live with you again? Me:Feeling is mutual. I know you need time, and actions speak louder than words. But are you willing to talk about these trust issues with me and try to find a solution. I need to know what you need from me, and what I can do to resolve these trust issues. Aguing about them, and sitting on them and stewing gets us nowhere. Me: Im trying to extend the olive branch, before making one or several decisions I may regret later.
W:Im willing to do therapy with you, but you have to know that I'm not guaranteeing that we will stay together. I want to do therapy to see if we can work through these issues.
Me:Perfect. I've been wanting to ask you that for the last two weeks, if I can be invited to therapy. I don't need guarantees right now. I need willingness and effort, so at least we can really say we both tried on both sides.
W:You say you're willing now... are you going to change your mind in a few days?
Me:No. Im solid on this. I've wanting, and hoping for joint therapy since December. and still want it and always did want it. I just thought you weren't comfortable with me being there back in JAN.
W:Scheduling is an issue, it has to be a weekend
Me: I was willing in October i was willing in Jan and i am willing now. I think we just miscommunicated our intentions, and presumably applied the other persons responses to our own beliefs and perceptions.
W: Who do you want to do sessions with?
Me: I can understand why the flip flopping, and the disappoint of hope would lead you to get this far in the first place. That must be frustrating, especially experiencing it for several years.
Me: I want us to agree on a counceler together. One that is equipped and experience to find joint marital solutions, and not necessarily just going round and round bringing up old wounds, old feelings, and remaining stuck. Focus should be solutions, not problems, new dynamics, not old ones. We can talk about this later.
