I will just caveat with what I am about to say with the fact that I brought up 3 boys. I had to teach them not to belch and break wind in public, wash their rugby kit and throw soap at them every now and again!
All that being said, I was a girl once. Kids thrive with defined boundaries and consistency. Separation of parents is going to be traumatic to the vast majority of kids. I also believe that kids have got the greatest ability to heal within a defined safe place.
Your domestic situation is complicated and I wonder if your D is struggling to understand what it actually is. No doubt she will have spoken to other kids about separation and divorced parents, but then she looks at yours and it doesn't fit into the same pattern.
I'd wager that very few 'separated couples' have a limbo quite like yours. But does that limbo also put kids in limbo from starting their healing process too? Someone will know better than me, and you are getting the right help for her. Perhaps when the IC says the separation is hurting her, it may be the uncertainty and lack of definition that is also confusing her. FS, you are a superb intelligent parent and you will figure it out.
Now, as for H. We could put forward a few suggestions based on his statement that he isn't coming home:
He's a coward that can't state his intentions He's such a nice guy that he wants to let you down gently He's being the ultimate control freak He's keeping the peace, keeping you dangling until something better comes along He's waiting for you to stop all your bad behaviour and then he'll work on his He'll change his mind and hope that you don't notice he hasn't done any work on himself He never meant it at all etc etc
or all of the above.
There is no point in any of us trying to mind read. It is what it is in HIS head. He hasn't shown much inclination to work on anything. So no, don't judge him on what he says, but what are his actions telling you? I think he's sitting as happy as Larry. He doesn't want to live with you and so he doesn't. He wants to see his family whenever it suits, and he does. If he wants to mow the lawn and walk the dog, he will. He wants all the perks AND the freedom of not being married.
My grandfather used to have a saying and it applies to your H "either pi** or get off the pot"
I fully admire you FS if this is what you want and have decided to stand for as long as it takes. You are a GAL guru, a strong minded intelligent career woman. But you are frightened of something I think. I agree with DV6, you deserve so much more than this.
I get it. I still catch myself worrying about doing something that will gain disapproval from H. And I definitely don't want the f***wit back. So then I tell myself, so what if it angers him, not my problem anymore, I'll do what's right for me and only me. I guess it was a learned habit after 30 years together and it did influence my decision making skills.
Perhaps there is an opportunity for you both to 'get off the pot' You could still stand and have some more defined boundaries. You need some distance I think. You mention about ' the more I take control' Perhaps you now need to have FULL control of you.
