I agree Sandi. She told me she was thinking about everything and why the A happened and why she was responding. Yes it is a crutch for her and she knows it and knows she needs to get IC.
Like Neffer said I am working to help her through this withdrawal and have my eyes wide open. I am still pushing for the call, text, whatever in a non confrontational way when it is brought up. I do know that we cannot move forward until this happens and have told her that.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
You need to be there, validate what needs to be validated, be by her side, confront if you have to. She needs to do the work. N/c is imperative.
My OW tried to contact me twice last week. Itīs been more than three years from our last encounter. I didnīt answer her mails. But it triggered some anxiety on me. My fantasy demon whispers sheīs waiting for me...I canīt follow that path. All I can do is hope the best for her but I canīt break the n/c rule. Three years...and she still has the power to set my mind into some spin...Thatīs what Sandi says: the fantasy life. The sooner n/c is get the faster the fog will disappear. But you need patience because itīs her process and it takes time.
Be strong, confident, consistent and amoafwl. Facing reality, eyes open.
Like Neffer said I am working to help her through this withdrawal and have my eyes wide open. I am still pushing for the call, text, whatever in a non confrontational way when it is brought up. I do know that we cannot move forward until this happens and have told her that.
Do you mean to tell me that she still has not notified OM that she's ending the A and he is to never contact her again?
This is not good. She's not going through withdrawals and there will be no progress until she officially ends the A. I think you may have been slightly too soft when you addressed it. I mean, she said she was willing to do anything to gain your trust, and you told her how you needed it to happen, but in the meantime.......days go by and she still hasn't done it.
Listen, I know how hard it is for her. I felt as if I was cutting my life line when I notified my OM, and I cried as if someone had died. I can look back now and see how crazy that was......but it was the state I was in at the time. You see, this is not just for you. It's for her sake maybe even more than yours. She may try to get by with just no more contact without sending him that final notification that the A is over.........but as you've seen, it doesn't work. She has to cut that life line to the OM. That's the only way she can grieve and get over it. Otherwise, it stays alive. So, don't let this keep going on. You've got to insist she ends it now.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We have had continued discussions over the last week...all initiated by her. The line was drawn that she had to make that call and she did. She acknowledged it was a mistake, that she had no interest in continuing what was and to not contact her again. Over the last few days he has made efforts....these days there are so many ways....but she blocked, deleted every way that she knew how to and showed me.
A start and we are doing better. Still a ways to go and I am doing my best to support her because she continues to show pain for the damage she has done.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Thanks guys. No Steve not in MC yet. Another big step for her and I am not pushing it. I am taking everything I have learned over the last 10-11 months now and applying it to my behavior, actions, communication, etc. It is having a very positive effect on her and I see some it it slowly rubbing off.
One of the big changes is just how I react and converse over tense issues. A few months ago it was hostility, anger, resentment, the whole nine yards. Now with a total 180 we are able to talk calmly about sensitive issues and she provides more and more about how she is feeling and why she thinks she did what she did. I see my 180s becoming her 180s.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Been a few weeks, just updating. Things have been good but man I still get hit with bouts of anxiety every once in a while.
It does help when my W talks about her feelings but I do not push her. She is feeling the effects of her actions on our financial situation as a family.
The talking helps but I am trying to see if we can do it more regularly.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
