Embracing my Inner Me in progress

[DnJ]

Hello Grace

You are correct, you need to resist the urge to snoop. However, that is very difficult, maybe this will help.

Resisting the urge. Ignoring, dismissing, etc... all are attempting to stop what you are feeling, to stop that desire to understand, to seek information, to answer questions. We just cannot stop our feelings. However, we can stop feeding them.

So, instead of a head on resisting, realize your desires, your feelings, and accept them. It’s totally understandable to want further information, to see how he is doing, what he is doing.

Now, Grace, you control you! You decide if you are going to snoop, going to reinforce those feelings. You know the regrets you can find, the knowledge you don’t want or need floating around in your head. You control your actions.

Block him on Facebook. Use technology to help you. You are a strong woman, a strong person, show me your control, h3ll show yourself your control.

Get in that intellectual car for a while and keep your emotions out of this. You know anything you find out is suspect, is not really who he was, and in time will not even matter. There is already lots to overcome and you don’t need to add to the pile.

I don’t know if I will EVER be able to get over them if he ever expresses desire to R. I’m not sure I even want to at this point.

Be careful with your thoughts, they have a way of turning into beliefs.

It is good you are expressing your feelings and thoughts, concerns, desires, and such. However we do talk ourself into things. “don’t know if I will EVER be able to” will become just that, the inability to get over them. You are expecting to not be able to accomplish it. Expectation. Deadlines. Be careful. (I remember you writing in your journey about this)

I totally understand the uncertainty you face, and the unknowingness of it. Do you want to be able to get over it, move pass it, forgive it? I believe you do.

Try - I hope I can accept and get over this, if he wants to have a R or not. Better? A bit, not quite right is it.

I know I can overcome this. That’s the ticket. Don’t doubt yourself, I certainly don’t doubt you.

I think you know accepting, and forgiving, is for you, and not dependent upon a possible future R. You don’t want to carry this around forever, so of course you want to let it go. Ok, enough from me on the letting him go.

MLCers and their children. They do not make great parents. They do believe they do, even when the relationship is almost nonexistent.

The relationship between Dad and daughter is their’s. It is not your job to fix it. It is your job not to destroy it.

I would not share with H what daughter said. I agree with you, let things unfold on their own. H cannot handle any blame, especially from you. He would probably just end up blaming the children, blaming you, and getting mad about the whole thing. That’s basically what happened when I tried to explain to my W about the relationship with her and the kids.

He will use that conversation as justification. He will use the lack of communication as justification. He will use the phases of the moon as justification. He is going to do whatever it takes, regardless of how irrational it is, to justify his actions. He has to, he has to run.

How much have you discussed MLC with your kids? Explained the why Dad is behaving like he is?

For what it’s worth, I found my kids benefitted from the knowledge and understanding. They see the driven need for their Mom to abandon everything. They can identify her teenage self acting out. They have compassion and forgiveness. They have hope. Well, they have me, and I am a pretty hopeful guy.

Anyhow, today I was talking with S18, and after 18 months, Mom is starting to reach out to her children. He told me of her texts and his polite responses. She is just starting, just after D. I told him I was glad, I really want them to have Mom in their lives. She has been absent for a year and a half, so we will see if this continues.

Time and space. H needs it. He will reach out when he is able to. Have faith. Have hope.

DnJ