Moving on to the bright side Part 24

[Dawn70]

Like Don, I find this to be a fascinating discussion. I agree with Juju that men do tend to pull back when a woman is kind of "locked down" for lack of a better description. I kind of think that it is an unfair assessment to say that Juju just hasn't dated enough. It has nothing to do with how much someone dates, it is a human nature thing. To me, all of this goes back to a discussion sometime ago and I don't remember for sure if it was on J9's thread or someone else's, but one of the men (don't remember who so I won't call anyone out), said ALL women play games. Me and several others jumped in and said no, that isn't true and of course, we were told oh but it is because everyone does. Now, here Juju is basically saying yet again that not all women play games. If she's interested in someone and they are mutually interested in her and she starts seeing that person and gets comfortable with them she exhibits a certain level of loyalty and respect. I do the same thing. I, like Juju, don't want men fighting over me or any of that dramatic crap. I'm low-key...I don't need to be patted like a dog and paraded about like a show pony. Some women do need that and I'm not saying they are wrong, I'm just saying that there are truly women who do NOT need that and I think it has a lot to do with how we were raised. Men say all the time that they want a nice, loyal woman and then they hook up with these snotty women and they like that because these women are a "challenge" (whatever the h3ll that means). Same can be said for women. Women SAY they want a nice guy, but then they go for men who treat them poorly and walk all over them. These are generalizations, of course, and obviously every single man and every single woman on the planet does not fall into them. These are just the average or norms.

Just because a woman is loyal and respectful and doesn't play games does not mean that she will allow the man to do whatever he pleases or to walk on her. I'm very loyal and respectful to Sparky, but I can promise you that he will NOT walk on me and he does not do as he pleases and flaunt it in my face. I encourage him to go fishing with his buddies or play cards or whatever else without me, but we also enjoy spending time together. In the same vein, he encourages me to spend time with my friends and go do things without him, which I do on occasion, just like he does. To me, that is a respect thing. When you care about your partner, respect them, and are loyal to them, you can have separate interests and still be very much together, if that makes sense. We don't have to ask each other's permission to do things, as we shouldn't because I'm not his mom and he's not my dad and we are both adults, but if a friend asks me to do something, I will check with him to make sure we didn't already have plans that I have forgotten and he offers me the same courtesy. We don't blow each other off to spend time with others, but we are respectful of each other's plans and schedules. I recently asked a dear friend to serve as the officiant for our wedding and this is someone who does not know Sparky well, so he asked if we would have dinner with he and his wife, just so they could get to know Sparky better before the wedding. I absolutely said yes, without even talking to Sparky, but when it came to actually selecting a date for the dinner, I certainly talked it over with him because it is a plan for both of us. I think people have to learn basic respect in relationships and I think boundaries are important as well.

J9, what I find particularly interesting about what you are saying in your most recent posts is that it seems to me, if I remember correctly, in one of your previous threads, one of the issues you had about your XW was that she had too much girl time, but then just a couple of posts back on this thread, you talk about all the stuff your XW did in a very positive light and almost seem to wish the dr. was more like that. That seems contradictory to me. I may well be misremembering or misunderstanding, but it just seems odd to me. The dr is all these positive things and the one thing that seems to bother you is her lack of social life outside of you. Maybe that just isn't her thing. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and doing things together, but I'm a homebody and I'm also naturally an introvert, so I'm just as good hanging out at home alone as I am going to do things with friends. And, when we all get older and have more responsibilities, it can be much harder to have time for social activities, particularly as a single parent with a demanding job. it's still very early in your relationship and there is no rush to decide what it is going to be. For now, just relax and enjoy the ride (no pun intended) and see what happens moving forward. Remember that your XW and the dr. are different people and that they behave differently.