MLC? Confused what to do (Part 3)

[sandi2]

A lot of stuff has transpired over the past 24 hours. We had a talk yesterday. She started by accusing my of trying to screw her in the dissolution. And that I didn't want her to have a job, or friends and just be home alone. I got up and said if she was going to accuse me or try to argue with me, I was done. She settled down and I asked why she thought I did not want her to have a job. I told her I was supportive of her staying at home, or getting a job. I was supportive of what she wanted to do. I didn't want to make a decision for her on that front.

It's common to read how the WW expresses concern that her LBH will screw her when legal action begins. I think it's a classical case of projection. BTW, good job at shutting her down when she started that old behavior pattern of accusations.

I asked about the friends. She said I told her that one of my conditions was to get rid of her friends. I said only one friend. Her BFF. She said that she has realized lately she is not a good person and she is slowly withdrawing from her. She said the OM does not like her and has let her see that she is not a good person especially when she drinks. This just amazes me that she finally realizes it from the OM...just great.

Ironic, isn't it? She'll listen to most anyone but her H. That's true to WW form. In the past, didn't she agree that BFF wasn't good, but that's what she liked about her......and felt she (your W) could be herself around her without being judged? Well, believe nothing she says at this point.

She said it has nothing to do with the OM like she said in the long email. I said it does. She said it doesn't. I told her to not tell me how I feel. The OM has a lot to do with this to me. The leaving me on a date, the open affair, etc. I told her that there is no relationship with him in the picture at all.

Waywardness is the problem. It started with a wayward mindset and now it's led to the physical. The deeper she gets into a wayward lifestyle..... the more complex the problem becomes. Whatever she engages in (booze, drugs, men, GGW behavior, off the wall "spiritualism", experiments, etc.) the more she'll have to deal with once she decides to turn around. I know it is very hard for H's to believe the OM is not the problem. An affair is certainly a problem for the MR. IMHO, the real issues started a long time ago. And those are the issues your WW still thinks about and blames for the problems in the M. She does not see OM as the problem. She separates the problems in the M from her OM.

When she reached the stage of rebellion, she was hanging out with BFF, and it soon led to OM......which added to the problem. But whether or not she can see it that way......IDK. B/c she was done with the M by that point, and it's like thinking of the M as then, and BFF & OM as now. That way, she keeps you and the M problems in a separate category from her new single lifestyle. It's really hard to explain. I try to caution LBH's that if the WW breaks up with her current affair partner, she's likely to find a replacement. B/c she is after the thrill. So, I understand how she sees that OM is not the real problem. I'm not saying you should be okay with her having an A with OM, but you are focused on the guy. Ending her A and friendship with BFF is the first step, but it won't solve the problems that existed before they entered into your lives. As long as she is acting out in rebellion, other men may come and go....b/c she wants to feel the thrill. I'm not suggesting you should be fine with any of it. I'm just trying to explain her weirdness.

She said she broke it off with him that night physically and they are just friends.

Riiiiight.
Can't be "friends" with ex-affair partners.

After an hour (she had left to go back to neighbors house), I started my workout to relieve some stress. Knock on the door of my bedroom and it was her. She sat down and said she wants to see if we can work it out between her and I. She said that she became close with the OM and she will have to slowly move away from him by lessening her talks with him.

Yeah, well she can't slowly pull away from him. That doesn't work. It has to end quick and final. This woman just wants to have you as her backup, without giving up OM. I don't think she'll want to give up her wayward lifestyle......whatever all of that includes.

I told her my condition and she knows she can't move in until it is 100% over with him. She is worried that she will not have feelings for me. She said she felt nothing as we held hands earlier. She then asked me to snuggle with her. I did. We just laid there and just held each other. The first interaction with her like that in over two months. We ended up kissing a little too but I wouldn't let or try to go any further. I am still guarded.

Remember when you laughed at my statement to not be surprised if she tries to initiate sex? Well, this is a prime example of how that happens. Guess who gets their hopes up and then gets hurt again?

As far as her not feeling anything when you held hands, or whatever.........she can't expect to feel butterflies with you when she has OM in her head. A woman does not feel desire for two men at the same time. She may sleep with more than one, but she'll only desire one man at a time. Currently, her lust for sex outside the MR, selfishness and rebellion are playing havoc with any normal feelings she might experience otherwise whenever touching her H. Notice that your WW was concerned about whether or not she could feel anything from snuggling & kissing with you. It was all about "her", not you or how you might feel. The WW is arrogant and she never stops to think that her H might not want her. Your WW was not wondering if you felt any special feelings for her while she was kissing you. She was to centered on herself.

I don't know what she means by feelings but if she is comparing 17 years of being with someone to a new puppy love stage of a guy she just met, the feelings are totally different in my opinion. Luckily i Have an IC appointment today to talk a lot of this out. I would love to hear your opinion. I know she is still looking at apartments for 6 month because i told her we need to take it really really slow. Become friends first, before husband and wife again. I told her we need to crawl before we walk. So maybe that is why she is considering an apartment to still give it time since i said I want to take it extremely slow. I am not sure. I am lost. I am going to try and do what i have been doing of detaching and focusing on me. This is emotionally exhausting.

She was checking to see if there was some romantic emotions when she held your hand. That's all. Remember she acts out of emotions, and she was seeing if she felt any sparks from touching your hand. Same thing when she asked you to snuggle with her. She's testing to see if she feels any desirable/loving feelings. That's another reason she may try to have sex with you. She wants to see if anything is stirred within her.

If a couple were affectionate and had a good sex life before the WW started an A, then I believe there is high probability it will resume once the couple reconciles and she gets the OM out of her head. However, the LBH needs to understand that she needs time for her emotions to adjust. When she ends the affair, goes completely NC with the OM, she'll actually go through a period of withdrawal symptoms. If she was bar hoping every night, or some other activity, to suddenly stop and stay home with her family......may feel depressing, IDK. I didn't go out drinking or anything of that nature, but I certainly had withdrawal symptoms when I ended my A and went NC. My biggest fear of committing to my MR was that loving feelings for my H would not return and I would feel dead for the rest of my life. It took me a while, b/c I had inner work to do on myself. Once I got the OM out of my head and stopped fantasizing about him or any other person......I was able to feel true remorse, and my loving feelings for my H returned.

I don't know if it was a tactic or not...so I am unsure...

I wouldn't put much stock in it. Sorry, but she gave no indication of a woman who wants to work to save her M. I don't know what all you may have told her, but what you posted sounded okay. Not sure how it was ended, like if the two of you are suppose to be working toward getting back together. I don't know what you told her you would require, other than the part about OM and BFF. There has to be more than that. It would be a great start, if she would end all contact with OM and BFF forever.......but the two of you had serious issues before they every came into the picture.

For whatever reason, she needed to secure her backup plan......and I think that's all it was. ((hugs)) She's going to have to get a lot more serious about doing whatever it takes to save her M. As long as she's saying things about slowly letting OM go, and being friends with him.......she's not ready. Even if she claims to break up with him, I don't think she'd last no time before she'd be back out there playing the single life. You can't take her back too easily, or it won't last. You have to make her work to get you back. She doesn't even see it as if she's getting you back. She thinks it's all up to whether or not she wants to go back home, and thinks you'll be tickled pink to get her. Am I making sense? You've got to be harder to get. Don't buy into her b.s. about slowly detaching from OM. Don't let her come back on those type of terms. .