Moving on to the bright side Part 24

[JujuB]

So what are things that would appeal to you? You mentioned hearing that she’s going out with her friends on a weekend she doesn’t have her son. What else? What gives an edge?

I notice that guys usually like me a lot in the beginning and give a lot of attention and then as soon as I become more attached they slowly slide. Which eventually makes me detach. I hate this dynamic. I notice the less interested I am, the more interested in me they are. Once I become interested they start with doubts or laziness.

[TBSakaJ9]

Just a social life in general, meeting friends out for a movie, maybe a happy hour, girls night out, etc. I used to love it when my XW would go out drinking with her girlfriends then come home and wake me up for sex when she was a little tipsy.

Open sexually as well. I don't need someone to be all freak nasty but being spontaneous, open to new things, actually enjoys sex, giving and receiving, etc.

Hobbies, outside interests. My XW was always dabbling in something, she tried to start her own photography business, then started working with a friend on organizing catered events for people. Granted it all takes time and obviously as a single parent hard to do but I found it attractive.

Going out shopping, new clothes, getting nails and toes done, going to the gym, getting her hair done, lotions, scrubs, perfume, etc. is also very attractive. Sure I understand that we will be laying around in our pajamas at times but I find feminine women, who can be submissive and take care of themselves very attractive.

Also be energetic, wanting to try new things, getting out of the house, exploring the city, enthusiastic about life, positive energy, outgoing etc. is also very attractive.

What gives an edge? For me it's a woman who can not only be a loving mom, loving partner, caring etc. but she also has a hidden little nasty side to her. For example, lets take the Dr. She is a Dr. by day, seeing patients, is respected, smart, successful etc. but between the sheets she lets its all go and behaves in a way that no one would probably expect.

I get to see a side of her that no one else gets to see and she trusts me and allows it to happen.

So while she may not have the social outlets, etc. that is what has given her an edge for me.

[kml]

Juju - I know what you're talking about. There's a book called Why Men Love Bitches about that very thing.

It used to annoy me when I was in college. I had my fair share of dates and boyfriends and was honestly quite pretty at that age, but I never got the adoring extravagant behaviors and presents that some of my more superficial female acquaintances got. Of course, I can see now that they were often using men and I was just very straightforward. But I also didn't make men work hard enough to win me. I saw that all as duplicitous games (and much of it was) but also know as an adult that confidence is attractive. If I'm taking my time getting to know someone and evaluating whether I think they are for me, rather than focused on "will they like me?", it's more likely that the guy will put out more energy trying to woo me. It just is that way.

The challenge for the guys here is to distinguish between quality women who are just taking their time deciding about you and the manipulative women.

[DonH]

Very fascinating discussion - as many on this thread is (where the cool kids hang out - well mostly LOL) I find the best way, heck perhaps the only way, to address many things is to try to put yourself in the other person's shoes. In don't that I think I get where you are at and what you are thinking Joseph. I'm not sure it's as simple and as cut and clear as you are trying for it to be JuJu. Hopefully I can explain this.

For BS, I get the feeling that other than in bed, the doctor is kinda boring. I've thought this for a bit already and don't mean it to be mean at all, but even the two of you together seems to already be in a somewhat boring rut - and I place much of that on the doctor. I remember early on you tried to take her to ax throwing and got push-back. So now it's dinner and sex, dinner and sex, dinner and sex, dinner and sex. Unless it's a weeknight thing then it's just sex. It's hard to build a true R on that. It's fun and I'd be THRILLED to have it - not really wanting a huge R - but I also think back, way, way back, like 30-35 years back and it was when things got stale and boring that I found myself in a dinner and movie on a Sunday rut. You seem to be there early on. And she doesn't seem to have a lot else going on. That also tends to put more pressure on the other person.

I agree with the others, you are only at three months, just let this play out and show itself - and it will. You are doing a lot of thinking about the future rather than just enjoying the present. Something just tells me you like her, she's fun, there is really nothing wrong, she's just not "the one." And that's okay. Again, i could well be wrong, that's just how I see it.

JuJu, I think you just have not dated enough. I'd hate to see you change who you are to "play the game" but I do think you are onto some basic points. Guys will take advantage of - which is really not their goal but it just happens - women who they know are not going anywhere. One of the reasons I think that I enjoyed Wild Girl is she was a challenge. I get turned off rather quick if I sense I can do anything I want and the girl will still be there. "Whatever you want to do honey" it's just not fun. Anyhow, to my point JuJu, while I think it's great that you are trying to look at this, I really think casually dating a dozen guys will give you far more insight. Then blending the two together will likely give you the most intel.

There is also something to be said for the chemistry of it all. It's the part that really can't be explained. It's why I really enjoyed someone that I know was not good for me long term nor a long term match - yet the chemistry was there and therefore my enjoyment level was huge. Then I'll meet and date 6 others that might on paper be much better for me (or anyone) yet the chemistry is not there. I think with both of you it was as much the lack of chemistry as it is anything.

[Dawn70]

Like Don, I find this to be a fascinating discussion. I agree with Juju that men do tend to pull back when a woman is kind of "locked down" for lack of a better description. I kind of think that it is an unfair assessment to say that Juju just hasn't dated enough. It has nothing to do with how much someone dates, it is a human nature thing. To me, all of this goes back to a discussion sometime ago and I don't remember for sure if it was on J9's thread or someone else's, but one of the men (don't remember who so I won't call anyone out), said ALL women play games. Me and several others jumped in and said no, that isn't true and of course, we were told oh but it is because everyone does. Now, here Juju is basically saying yet again that not all women play games. If she's interested in someone and they are mutually interested in her and she starts seeing that person and gets comfortable with them she exhibits a certain level of loyalty and respect. I do the same thing. I, like Juju, don't want men fighting over me or any of that dramatic crap. I'm low-key...I don't need to be patted like a dog and paraded about like a show pony. Some women do need that and I'm not saying they are wrong, I'm just saying that there are truly women who do NOT need that and I think it has a lot to do with how we were raised. Men say all the time that they want a nice, loyal woman and then they hook up with these snotty women and they like that because these women are a "challenge" (whatever the h3ll that means). Same can be said for women. Women SAY they want a nice guy, but then they go for men who treat them poorly and walk all over them. These are generalizations, of course, and obviously every single man and every single woman on the planet does not fall into them. These are just the average or norms.

Just because a woman is loyal and respectful and doesn't play games does not mean that she will allow the man to do whatever he pleases or to walk on her. I'm very loyal and respectful to Sparky, but I can promise you that he will NOT walk on me and he does not do as he pleases and flaunt it in my face. I encourage him to go fishing with his buddies or play cards or whatever else without me, but we also enjoy spending time together. In the same vein, he encourages me to spend time with my friends and go do things without him, which I do on occasion, just like he does. To me, that is a respect thing. When you care about your partner, respect them, and are loyal to them, you can have separate interests and still be very much together, if that makes sense. We don't have to ask each other's permission to do things, as we shouldn't because I'm not his mom and he's not my dad and we are both adults, but if a friend asks me to do something, I will check with him to make sure we didn't already have plans that I have forgotten and he offers me the same courtesy. We don't blow each other off to spend time with others, but we are respectful of each other's plans and schedules. I recently asked a dear friend to serve as the officiant for our wedding and this is someone who does not know Sparky well, so he asked if we would have dinner with he and his wife, just so they could get to know Sparky better before the wedding. I absolutely said yes, without even talking to Sparky, but when it came to actually selecting a date for the dinner, I certainly talked it over with him because it is a plan for both of us. I think people have to learn basic respect in relationships and I think boundaries are important as well.

J9, what I find particularly interesting about what you are saying in your most recent posts is that it seems to me, if I remember correctly, in one of your previous threads, one of the issues you had about your XW was that she had too much girl time, but then just a couple of posts back on this thread, you talk about all the stuff your XW did in a very positive light and almost seem to wish the dr. was more like that. That seems contradictory to me. I may well be misremembering or misunderstanding, but it just seems odd to me. The dr is all these positive things and the one thing that seems to bother you is her lack of social life outside of you. Maybe that just isn't her thing. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and doing things together, but I'm a homebody and I'm also naturally an introvert, so I'm just as good hanging out at home alone as I am going to do things with friends. And, when we all get older and have more responsibilities, it can be much harder to have time for social activities, particularly as a single parent with a demanding job. it's still very early in your relationship and there is no rush to decide what it is going to be. For now, just relax and enjoy the ride (no pun intended) and see what happens moving forward. Remember that your XW and the dr. are different people and that they behave differently.

[TBSakaJ9]

I know it is interesting, I enjoyed the ride twice last night Maybe I am just looking for reasons to disqualify as she told me once...….looking for reasons to disqualify her previous partners is what she does best. Fear of intimacy maybe on both sides. It will be the 3 month mark in 6 days which will have marked her longest post divorce R so we shall see what happens.

I do feel that she is growing on me...……

[TBSakaJ9]

Well I forgot to pay my water bill so that really sucked. I had to heat up some water I got from the store and take wash cloth bath Wow that was fun!

The good Dr sent me a text earlier today telling me she missed me and was sad she was going to have to wait until Sat to see me. Since I am such an upstanding citizen I told her I could come over tonight so she took me up on the offer. The three H's were in full effect and I have determined I have commitment anxiety. It's weird in her presence I enjoy her company, etc. etc. but when I go home I seem to go in my shell. Not sure why that is. She putting absolutely no pressure on me what so ever and I have no intentions of ending things but I guess there is no time table for these things and there is no rush I guess. I assume as long as feels that I am not going to bail or end things that is really all that matters. It is just a slow roll for me. I think she also knows its just a matter of time, she does refer to me as her BF and I don't have any problems with that.

I saw the xw tonight at my daughters soccer practice and I felt no desire for her. Tomorrow does mark the 1 yr of my D being final and I feel really good about where I am at with her. She texted me today and told me she was going with a GF of hers to Florida in a couple of weeks on a buddy pass to help her friend do some work (its a long story). She wanted me to know just in case her plan crashed. I told her she would be just fine and left it at that.

Anyway I guess that's about it!

[Ginger1]

I had the electric guy come and try to [censored] off my electricity yesterday. I’m not not normally home at that hour, thank his I was. There was a mix up between my old house. Luckily the guy was incredibly kind and he never shut it off.

Anyways, I’ve been following along on these qualities that would make you more attracted. My mindreading? For someone to settle down with, I think the doctor would suit you just fine. I do however think hobbies and time of your own with your own friends is important in a relationship . She likes to shoot guns, so that’s a hobby. Her lack of friends is a little odd She seems to have no friends. Friends are important. You don’t have to hit the club with them, but I feel a woman needs her girlfriends and time with th then.

But I digress. The party girl that is the life of the party and goes out and does all these things is the woman you tinitially desired because you were just dating. Those types are lots of fun when you are just dating and not looking for commitment.

But you are now with a woman who has her life in order and is searching for the husband to complete it. It might have come a bit early for you. You have to see if this is what you truly want in your life right now. Or if you truly need that push pull exciting exhilarating dating game.

[Ginger1]

Oh, and I am that woman JUju is too and kind of have the same problem in dating. I am fiercely loyal, you never have to question me as a partner and I do nothing for the chase. If I’m with you, I’m woth you and that’s that. I’ll treat you like a king too. And this has caused guy to maybe get bored or not feel the trill of the chase. The only one who chased was FF and I think i that’s because he was 9 years younger than me. He definitely pursued me. And he got jealous.

7 months for M and I and he still is excited to see me, still plants a big one on me every time. Still does for me, as you can see. But he isn’t jealous and I think that’s because he knows he doesn’t have to be. I am loyal and don’t play games. I remember when I went to the beer fest with my ladies when I was dating FF he was acting ridiculous. He pretended he had friends there so I wouldn’t do something “stupid” and pretty much texted me every 5 minutes the whole time. M told me to have fun and be careful, sent me a few texts, and that was that.

I have that book, “why men love bitches” and I began reading it a few years ago. I am just not a bitch. Seriously, I get the dynamic, but it’s just not me. I guess sometimes we just have to wait until we find someone compatibility. ( lord knows I waited a long time”

[TBSakaJ9]

Thanks G for the perspective. Here is the funny thing. My neighbor across the street has 3 kids, with a 4th one on the way. His W is a teacher as well and is a devoted W and mother. Her life is her husband and kids, she doesn't feel the need to go out and do all of these other things that I had described as being attractive. I remember when my XW left she flat out told me that she was not built like my neighbors wife across the street. When this was all going down for me a 2 years ago I wished that my XW was more like my neighbors W.

What I think I want and what I actually need might be too different things.

When I talk to my mom about all this she thinks I am an idiot