Do you think that maybe because she doesn’t have hobbies that compete with you it means less of a challenge and she gets less value (not logically - just emotionally)? Like you know exactly where she is, you don’t have to worry that she’s gonna go for another guy so you don’t have that feeling of competition hence the value of the girl goes down even though you logically know she’s got value to her. But there’s no real chase. Can that be part of what your feeling?
I recognize it cause I am similar. I notice ex bf stopped putting effort and my ex husband did as well cause they felt no threat, no jealousy. Once I am with a guy, I don’t feel a need to flirt or get dressed up and go out. I feel more settled and loyal. But I’m realizing guys don’t appreciate women like that. They need the girl that’s more like your ex wife.
I remember once when me and my ex were much younger, we went out to a bar with a bunch of his frat buddies while we were away for a wedding. He was hanging out with his friends and I was talking to his friend’s girlfriends. I remember these 2 guys (looked like motorcycle guys) came in and and one was aggressively flirting with me. Like he kept playing with my hair while He was sitting behind me. I was ignoring him and not encouraging, And another girl made this comment about how my ex husband would get upset if he saw...
I got up and walked over to my ex husband and did not tell my ex husband anything. Just made it clear to the other guy I was with a boy friend. The reason was, I loved my ex husband and didn’t want him to feel the need to get into a bar fight with scary looking characters so he wouldn’t look bad in front of his friends. I wanted him to be safe. I know damn well that other women at our age at the time would use that cause they would like the attention of men fighting over them. They would know that the drama would add value. i know that too. I am not stupid when it comes to male/female dynamics. But I have brothers and I always try to treat people - especially the guys I am with - with loyalty and respect. I didn’t want to ruin my ex’s time with his friends or have him risk getting hurt.
Anyway, one thing I do notice is that the women that do make a big deal about stuff like that certainly don’t have more then me in terms of looks or intelligence. But they end up with guys that are more doting. I think that a lot of guys don’t appreciate stuff like that. Maybe on a logical side they do. But emotionally they are gonna feel more attraction for the girl that’s not a sure thing. For the girl they have to fight for.
Like when that guy pointed out to you how lucky you were with the dr - it made you a bit more worried about losing her. But the fact that she would rather hang out with you in her limited time then go out for drinks with her friends makes you less attracted.
Now I’m not putting you down for this. Most guys are like this. I’m just asking you, cause I am realizing that things haven’t worked out for me in the past cause I don’t play those games. Obviously, at my age guys are not gonna fight over me in a bar anymore. But I think there’s something to not being so available. Not being a sure thing.
If your dr girlfriend chose going out for drinks with her friends on a Saturday night, instead of hanging out with you (for a girls night) would that be more appealing? To me, a woman that has young children and chooses at our age to stay with her young children is more appealing then like the ex wife who works all day and skips out on them to socialize and do tons of “me activities”. Why don’t you guys see that?
For reasons that are unclear to me, some women - certainly not all - are attracted to me. The two serious relationships I had before I was married, my ex, and two of the ladies who I have dated since divorce including the one I am dating now all made great efforts to attract me to them.
The last time I was in a bar fight has to be over 30 years ago - and while there was a girl at the root cause of it, it was one who was being disrespected, not one I wanted to impress.
Now, I'm a very doting guy. Opening doors, sending flowers, making sure that any woman in my life knows that she is cared about and it seems to work and I enjoy doing it. Other than with "CL" it has always served to bring me closer to the woman who I was attracted to and visa versa. As another example, there's Ginger1's relationship with M. He also seems to be a kind and caring man and probably always has been and that works for them too.
On the other hand Gordie's W was upset at him because he didn't "fight for her". Some women perhaps get off on that and get validation that they are valuable. I honestly don't know much about J9's back story as it seemed to come in and end pretty darned quick compared to many. I did hear earlier this week that B's daughter creeped my ex's Facebook feed and even though I fought hard for my marriage, I never entered in to a competition against OM but there I am, prominently featured on her social media still with little or no visibility of the guy she left me for.
Is that a function of being older? I don't think so. Thinking hard about it, perhaps it's more about social status within a group than the dynamics between two people. I'm certainly not smart enough to know though.
Just my 2 cents - sorry for the partial thread-jack J9.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Ju.....I will preface by saying that I have never been in a bar fight. I think most men like a challenge and I know if the dr had more of a social life, got dressed up and had a night out with her friends etc. I would find that appealing. It is a wierd thing I want someone who is loyal, a great mom, many of the things you describe about yourself but they also need to have an edge about them.
Andrew - my point was that I’m the type (and maybe the dr too) that would intentionally make sure there was not a bar fight. I shut that sh!t down -‘and it’s easy to do. But other girls will love the attention of being the cause of one or getting to be the damsel in distress. They know what they are doing and they play on that.
The bar example is meant to be similar to a female putting herself in a position of flirting or encouraging attention from other men...In a subtle way that puts boyfriend or husband on alert. I was curious why guys don’t appreciate the women that avoid drama (they say they do) but they end up taking her for granted and as a sure thing. They seem to be drawn to the women that encourage attention from other men. As J said - he wants the edge to them. Betty is just as attractive as Veronica if not more. Yet they go for the Veronica’s.
I am giving you guys on here insight on the Veronicas (most of them your ex”s and basically telling J it seems like he has a Betty and that’s why he’s not as attracted)
I don’t know Gordies situation. Waywards say crazy stuff cause they want to be right. But you say you doted on your wife. I wonder if guys dote more on the women that are not sure things. Your wife wasn’t a sure thing. Most of the wives on these forums weren’t yet you guys doted. Usually aggressive women do not end up being Betty’s. They usually have a sense of targeting nice guys. That’s just my opinion though.
My boyfriends don’t dote because I am loyal and a sure thing. I see that. And just like I am giving you guys insight, you are giving me insight as well and I am taking this in. For my personal sitch, I realize I lose my edge.
Thanks ju....I may just have a Betty on my hands. Funny thing is I wished my xw was more of a Betty because if she was I probably would not be on this board. So if the dr was a Veronica early on and then transitioned into more of a Betty then that would be perfect however she would still need to maintain some of that Veronica.
